I Work "To Life," Not Death: I’m a Mother Not a Martyr
Get off the Cross, Sis!
Introduction
May, a month often dedicated to honoring mothers, provides us with a unique opportunity to delve deep into the intersection of motherhood and mental health. This year, I want to kick off our month-long series by exploring what it means for mothers to live satisfying and fulfilling lives, and what it means for us to be alive, a crucial aspect often overshadowed by the glorification of self-sacrifice in parenting. In our first installment, we embrace the first principle of our Bad Girl Fit Series: "I pledge not to be a martyr. I work 'to life,' not death." This principle challenges the age-old expectation that mothers must constantly deplete themselves for their families—a belief that undermines both their well-being and their vitality.
The Traveling Mother
Defining "Working to Life"
When I first wrote this principle, I had no idea what it meant. I had no words to describe or explain it. I just felt it in my gut that it’s important to work to life, not death. I felt that the work we did as mothers and women and humans had to be life-affirming — not just hardship, monotony, and resentment. And yet, even with that understanding, I couldn’t articulate what it meant to work to life.
That was four years ago. I’ve had a lot of time to think and rethink this sentiment, this thing that I felt in my gut…this idea that was too big for me to grasp and that I had to ultimately grow into. And what I believe it means is simply this: It’s a commitment to do work that fulfills us. It’s a call to be diligent and vigilant about doing things that make us feel alive, give us pleasure, and bring us comfort. It’s about living a life of satisfaction. For some women, raising children is enough to gain this experience. Others need more. They are passionate about pursuing their ambition, traveling, romance, faith, fitness, and more.
So what does it mean to work "to life"? Some would argue that it’s about creating a soft life, something people question whether or not is possible for moms to have. (Click here for a blog post about the question of moms and the soft life.) I argue it’s about creating the life of one’s dreams without sacrificing oneself. Simply put, it is the commitment to nurturing one’s own health and happiness (whatever that may be) as diligently as one cares for her family. This approach is about finding a sustainable balance where a mother's needs are not perpetually placed last. It's about understanding that a well-cared-for mother can provide her family with a richer, more joyful presence.
Establishing Boundaries
The Myth of Maternal Martyrdom
Society often heralds the maternal figures who sacrifice everything for their children as the epitome of motherhood. This portrayal not only sets an unrealistic standard but also silently erodes the mental health of mothers, fostering guilt and burnout. By idolizing sacrifice, we ignore the adverse impacts this martyrdom mindset can have on both the individual and the family unit. It's crucial to debunk this myth, highlighting that true maternal strength lies in resilience and self-care.
And Another Thing…Why Maternal Mental Health Matters
The discourse around the importance of maternal mental health often emphasizes its foundational role in ensuring a healthy family. It highlights how a mother's psychological well-being affects everything from the home's emotional environment to her child's physical and emotional development. By supporting maternal mental health, we're told we're investing in the next generation's future. While these points are undeniably significant and impactful, they often overlook the most crucial subject: the mother herself. The paramount reason for prioritizing maternal mental health is simple yet profound: Motherhood should not equate to martyrdom or necessitate mental sacrifice. In essence, maternal mental health is vital because the mother—the whole woman—matters as much as the people she nurtures. It's time to foreground this truth, normalizing the idea that a mother's well-being is paramount. Everything else stems from this understanding.
Enjoying LIfe
Stories of Rejuvenation
Consider the story of Onya, a mother of three who once believed that skipping her Thursday night stepping class to manage endless household chores was the hallmark of a good mother. Over time, this led to a loss of self and deep resentment. However, by revisiting her passion for dancing and setting aside time each week for her practice, not only did her mood and mental health improve, but her family also benefited from her rejuvenated spirit and creativity.
Then there's Tyra, who realized that her lack of boundaries made her resentful and exhausted. By choosing to say "no" to additional requests and "yes" to her need for weekly therapy sessions, she found herself more present and connected with her children. These stories illustrate the profound impact of choosing life over martyrdom.
Practical Strategies to Avoid Being a Maternal Martyr
To embody this principle, here are several strategies mothers can adopt:
Decide that you deserve to live: This isn’t just about breathing. It’s about being, doing, and moving in ways that feel meaningful and fulfilling to you. It’s about truly that you believe in experiencing satisfaction and pleasure.
Understand what living truly means to you: Define, for yourself, what it means to live a purposeful, meaningful, and joyful life on your own terms.
Establish Boundaries: It’s essential to define what you can and cannot do. Boundaries help protect your energy and time, ensuring you have the space to rejuvenate.
Set Realistic Expectations: Acknowledge that it's okay not to be perfect. Balance, not perfection, should be the goal.
Incorporate Self-Care Routines: Regularly scheduled self-care should be non-negotiable. Whether it's exercise, reading, or simply resting, make it a priority. (See our post on self-care, worthiness and wealth)
Seek and Accept Help: Delegate tasks when possible. Accepting help from family, friends, or professional services (cleaning, nanny, organizing, coaching, etc.) isn't a defeat or “bad mothering”—it's a smart strategy.
Connectedness
The Role of Community and Support
No mother is an island, nor should she be. Building or joining a community that supports healthy views on motherhood and mental health is vital. These networks provide encouragement, understanding, and resources that can make all the difference in navigating the complex journey of motherhood.
Work to Life
Conclusion
This month, as we explore various facets of mothering and mental health, let’s start by reaffirming our commitment to not being martyrs but champions of our own well-being. Remember, working "to life" is not just about survival but about thriving—for you and your family.
Engage and Share Your Journey
We want to hear from you! Share your stories, tips, and experiences related to maternal mental health. How do you prioritize your mental well-being amidst the demands of motherhood? What support systems have you found helpful? Join the conversation below and let’s create a community of support and encouragement for all the amazing moms out there. Your voice is important in breaking down the barriers and changing the narrative around maternal mental health.
P.S. — It’s Covet Season
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Photo Credit: Chris Charles
ABOUT THE BLOGGER
Dr. Sagashus Levingston is an author, entrepreneur and PhD holder. She has two fur babies, Maya and Gracie, six children (three boys and three girls), and they all (including her partner) live in Madison, WI. She loves all things business, is committed to reminding moms of their power, and is dedicated to playing her part in closing the wealth gap for people of color and women. She believes that mothering is a practice, like yoga, and she fights daily to manage her chocolate intake. The struggle is real, y’all…and sometimes it’s beautiful.
Follow her on Instagram: @infamous.mothers