Mastering Your Life: Lessons on Owning Your Sh*t
Photo Credit: Chris Charles
"Shit" is a vulgar word, and it carries with it a wide spectrum of meanings— making it very useful. According to the Merriam-Webster dictionary, it can be both an insult – referring to someone as "worthless, offensive, or detestable" – and a compliment, characterizing something or someone as "excellent and exemplary." In between these extremes, it takes on various shades, including nonsense, foolishness, and even teasing comments. So, when we talk about "owning your sh*t" as a part of building your dream life, we're talking about the process of embracing every aspect of yourself, from the messy to the marvelous, as you strive to become the best version of you.
As I reflect on my achievements – earning my PhD, establishing a thriving business, publishing two books (with a third in the works), paying off two cars, purchasing my dream home, and making a positive impact on the lives of women worldwide – all while caring for SIX children, I credit my success to two fundamental factors: 1.) my faith and 2) owning my sh*t. Every other aspect – networks and support, self-care, making bold moves, and more – falls under one of these two categories.
In this post, I delve into eight critical areas that I've taken ownership of to transform my life and guide other women in doing the same. And now, I am sharing them with you. Let's get started!
Lesson 1: Own Your Complexity
When we say that building your dream life means, in part, “to own your sh*t,” we’re saying that becoming the version of you that you yearn for or thought was beyond your reach, is about digging deep down within yourself, into the bowels of your being and owning all the ugly feelings, the chaotic and unsafe parts of your life, the thoughts that torment and torture, the the stuff that doesn’t make sense, the pieces of you that feel unworthy. And once you’re done gathering all of that, it’s about climbing to the height of your existence, and gathering all the pieces of you that are beautiful, first-rate, “a wonder to behold,” superior, exceptional, perfect, and “better than everybody.”
Owning your life involves immersing yourself in the complexities and messiness of your existence, taking responsibility for your actions, extending grace to yourself, and being purposeful in the pursuit of a larger, improved, and more impactful version of yourself. By understanding your own intricacies and taking accountability, you empower yourself to make more informed choices and construct a more resilient and authentic self.
Lesson for You: It's essential to recognize that personal growth often requires confronting and embracing both the less desirable and more admirable facets of your identity. This process of self-ownership and self-improvement can lead to a more authentic, resilient, and impactful life.
Lesson 2: Own Your Wellbeing
Like so many other kids, I loved McDonald's. My mom and I used to eat there often. I believed she loved their food, too, when I was growing up. One day, she did something she had never done. She ordered my food and sat there watching me eat. A few minutes into my meal, she asked, "Sagashus, can I have a little bit of your fries?" I told her, "No. You should've bought yourself something to eat." She sat there, looking a little embarrassed and somewhat defeated. My mom doesn't remember that experience, but I do. As a parent myself, who has had to make some impossible choices while raising my kids, often without the benefit of a partner, it's clear to me today why she only bought food for me and not herself. While I don't completely blame my five or six-year-old self for being selfish and rude, reflecting on that experience has taught me that moms cannot sacrifice themselves for their children, partners, businesses, jobs, parents, community, and so on. We must ALWAYS reserve a bit of something for ourselves. We must do this so that we have what we need to serve others in the way we desire. We all know that if our cups are empty, we can't pour into anyone else's. But we also have to save a little bit for ourselves because mothering does not equate to martyrdom.
To safeguard our dreams and achieve what may seem 'impossible,' prioritizing self-care is paramount. When we become the sole sacrifice, our mission, vision, and dreams suffer. Drawing from personal and professional experiences, I can attest that focusing on our mental well-being, ensuring adequate sleep, and maintaining our physical health by consuming the right foods and staying active can significantly enhance our outcomes— improving our chances of successfully pitching that business idea, writing that bestseller, and growing your bottom line. It's all too easy to relegate our own needs to the back burner; I'm guilty of it too! However, I've become adept at swiftly getting back on track because I've realized that when we're not at our best, it compromises everything we're working to achieve. Consequently, even though I coach other women, I've consistently sought guidance from coaches in various capacities to keep my own life on track. While this entails both a time and financial investment, particularly with my current coach, it has been a pivotal force in the scaling of my own business. I can effectively manage my responsibilities, realize a return on my investment, and carve out more time in my schedule for the things I cherish.
Lesson for You: Prioritizing self-care isn't a luxury but a necessity for accomplishing your dreams and goals. Neglecting your well-being can undermine your mission and vision. Invest in your mental and physical health; it's an investment in your success. Learn to balance your priorities, and consider seeking guidance or support to stay on track. By taking care of yourself, you empower yourself to achieve more and find time for the things you hold dear.
Lesson 3: Own Your Dreams
When I was younger, my daydreams used to make me blush. I was bashful and embarrassed about them because I didn’t think that I was worthy of what I imagined for myself. In my mind, I wasn’t good enough to receive love, be beautiful, be powerful, be successful, experience kindness, have fun, be desired, etc. And so, I didn’t own those things. Instead, I was indirect and manipulative in my pursuits. In real life, I made cheap trades— including my body at times— just to rub elbows with and get close to the experiences that I dreamed about. And I paid very heavy prices. In my love life, that looked like STIs, unplanned pregnancies, abortions, domestic violence, etc. In my financial life, living below the poverty line, feeling like a “charity case,” always being at the mercy of other people for survival and support. In my professional life, I was unable to keep a steady job until my late twenties, not following through with my dream of being a business owner until my late thirties. While I find so much value in my journey and understand that not a single bit of it has been wasted, I also understand that life would’ve been much simpler and easier, had I been straight up with myself about the life I envisioned and created a plan to get there. As it turns out, that very thing that I was avoiding, once I started to face it and create a strategy around it, changed my life immensely, for the better.
Lesson for you: Do your dreams scare you? Do they make you bashful and wonder if they’re possible? Do they feel wild and out of control? Are they pushing you outside of your comfort zone? Do they feel bigger than you? If so, that might be a good thing. Don’t flinch. Don’t look away. Acknowledge, own and make them happen. But whatever you do, don’t avoid them.
Lesson 4: Own Your Mistakes, Shortcomings and Insecurities
I don't know about you, but as a young girl, I was stubborn and unwilling to apologize to friends, cousins, or even my parents. In my mind, uttering the word 'sorry' equated to showing weakness, and I was determined not to give anyone power over me. However, over the years, I've grown and evolved. I've come to realize that life becomes significantly simpler when I can acknowledge my mistakes and take ownership of them. When I'm in the wrong, I hold the power to make amends, address the issues, rectify what's broken, and move forward. Conversely, when someone else is at fault, the process of moving forward often depends on them, leaving me at their mercy, working through their ego, and adapting to their pace.
This principle extends to my insecurities as well. The faster I embrace them, the less they exert control over me. I gain authority by acknowledging and addressing the aspects of myself that make me feel inadequate. There was a time when I couldn't bear to look in the mirror, not even owning a full-length one, due to my profound insecurity about my appearance. To reclaim my self-esteem, regardless of my size, I began documenting my full body as I engaged in workouts and chronicled various journeys, be it in business, homeownership, or my hair journey, without the veil of filters or self-judgment. Merely having a record of me showing up for myself has transformed my overall self-worth. It has revealed that my insecurities and struggles with self-esteem were rooted in living a life where my actions and values were out of harmony. Aligning these two aspects significantly bolstered my sense of self-worth.
Lesson for You: Recognize that owning your mistakes and insecurities can lead to personal growth and enhanced self-esteem. Accepting and addressing your errors empowers you to make positive changes and move forward. Furthermore, acknowledging and confronting your insecurities can lead to a deeper sense of self-worth. Understand that it's not about external appearances but rather aligning your actions and values, which can ultimately boost your self-esteem and well-being.
Lesson 5: Own The Things That Make You Proud
Although I grew up in poverty, my mom ensured I attended the best schools. I graduated from a highly reputable Catholic elementary school and then spent four years at an exclusive boarding school. These experiences undoubtedly enriched me academically and socially, but in my neighborhood, I found myself grappling with bullying and teasing. There were instances where I resorted to running and engaging in frequent arguments and fights. Over time, my impressive educational background became a source of shame. Despite being genuinely proud of my achievements, I believed they drew the wrong kind of attention. This marked the inception of my people-pleasing tendencies, partly explaining the behavioral shift. As a consequence, I downplayed my successes, diminished myself to boost others' self-esteem, and even sabotaged my own progress. However, Marianne Williamson aptly reminds us, "playing small does not serve the World." This revelation reshaped my perspective, propelling me to embrace and celebrate every facet of my extraordinary self.
In the present day, I acknowledge my successes for a multitude of reasons. Firstly, it serves as a means to maintain a balanced perspective. Celebrating my achievements allows me to stay grounded, reminding not only myself but also other women of the inherent power within us. Moreover, owning my successes empowers me to build upon my strengths and manage my mental health effectively. Each triumph represents a reward I've genuinely earned through hard work and perseverance. It's paramount to realize that just as there is power in embracing our losses, there's equal strength in celebrating our wins.
Lesson for You: Reflect upon your achievements and the motivations driving your recognition of them. Consider the value of owning your successes as a means to balance your perspective, serve as a source of inspiration for others, fortify your strengths, and contribute to your mental well-being. In the quest for success, don't underestimate the significance of celebrating your accomplishments. It acts as a natural buffer between your previous conquests and the exciting adventures that lie ahead, guarding against potential burnout and ensuring you remain on an unwavering path of personal growth.
Lesson 6: Own Your Messiness
In Lesson 1, we discussed the significance of embracing our own mess and messiness as an integral part of understanding our complexity. However, here in Lesson Six, we're diving even deeper. As usual, I'm willing to share a less-than-flattering story from my own life, so here goes...
One thing you should know about me is that I have a soft spot for gossip. I revel in the juicy details of a good "tea," but I absolutely despise getting burned by it. Regrettably, I've hurt people's feelings numerous times when they found out I was talking about them behind their backs, and most of the time, I'm the one who spills the beans on myself. To be fair, I inherited this love for gossip from my family. Gossiping is how some of my closest relatives and I connect. We trade secrets, crack jokes, and pass judgment. There was a time when I'd spend hours on the phone, neglecting my children, my household chores, my studies, and even myself, all in the name of gossip. That's how it was.
But things changed. Several years ago, my ex's stepfather shared something with me that became a new gauge for how I navigated the world. He said, "Small minds talk about people. Medium minds talk about events. Large minds talk about ideas." It was the first time I'd heard conversations categorized in this way. I had never considered such a hierarchy. While it's not a strict and fast rule, it opened my eyes to a new reality: I didn't want to engage in low-level conversations. Today, we might call those discussions "low-vibrational" or "low-frequency." Similarly, someone once said, "My grandma used to always say, if you're on the phone past a certain time, you ain't doing nothing but lying." I was in my late twenties at the time, reflecting on all my recent conversations. She was absolutely right! At some point, conversations had turned into lies and gossip. I had to take ownership of that. Over time, I went from being someone who was glued to the phone to someone that others could barely reach in person or by cell. I cultivated a lifestyle rooted in pursuing and exploring ideas – you know, "big mind stuff."
But here's the reality check: I'm not perfect at this. In fact, just last year, I found myself entangled in some nasty, mean-girl conversation that backfired on me. Frustrated by feeling betrayed, unsupported, and envied by other women I respect and show up for, I vented in the wrong way, and it all went south. The lesson I learned is that my messy alter-ego emerges when I don't feel safe. It becomes a defense mechanism and a cry for help. Now, when I see her rearing her head, I say to her, "Girl, you're trying to tell me that we're going through something." And I address it head-on.
Lesson for You: Acknowledging your own messiness and growth is an ongoing journey. It's essential to recognize your triggers and defense mechanisms, as this self-awareness can help you navigate life's complexities more effectively. Embracing high-vibrational conversations and striving for personal growth is a continuous process that may lead to more meaningful connections and a greater sense of purpose.
Lesson 7: Own Your Worth
Understanding your value and asserting your worth is an essential component of taking ownership of your life. There was a time when I severely undervalued my work and, in turn, myself. I held the belief that desiring fair financial compensation was synonymous with greed. This perspective, however, led me down a path of financial struggle and unrealized potential. But through this experience, I've gained a valuable lesson: You should never be the sacrificial offering. If you're producing quality work, you should not deprive others of the opportunity to benefit from it. It's crucial to recognize your worth and negotiate confidently for the compensation you rightfully deserve. In doing so, you protect not only your well-being but also establish a standard for how you should be treated.
Lesson for You: The lesson here is clear – never underestimate your value or the importance of fair compensation for your work. By recognizing your worth and advocating for it, you not only improve your own life but also contribute to the broader notion of what is just and equitable. Understand that your work has value, and advocating for yourself is a vital step toward self-empowerment and financial well-being.
Lesson 8: Own Your Position
I've lost count of how many times I've battled to secure a specific position, only to find myself shrinking once I'd achieved it. I'd carve out a tiny niche in that space, maintaining a low profile and hardly making a ripple, all because I was simply grateful to have made it that far. I was adamant about not wanting to "stir the pot," or risk being labeled as "difficult" or "overbearing." This pattern of behavior extended not only to my professional life but also permeated my personal relationships and even my role as a mother. I felt honored to remain in the shadow of my own titles, whether it was "CEO" (the person in charge, the face of the company), "mother of so-and-so's child" (effectively, a baby mama), or the position of a parent (serving as the legal guardian and head of the household, among other roles).
However, this approach had a significant drawback. When you fail to fully occupy a space that rightfully belongs to you, someone else will step in to fill that void. They'll assert themselves, make decisions, rearrange things, and take over. They'll readily claim credit, dodge accountability, and leave you to clean up the mess. They may even adopt your identity, acting on your behalf, making choices in your name, and then, with a hint of attitude, remind you, "If you won't do it, somebody else will."
To be honest, there's some undeniable truth to that. But even so, ain't nobody got time for that! My friend, whatever position or title you hold, you've earned it, and you deserve to inhabit and own it to the fullest. This means that whatever comes your way, you are more than qualified to handle it. You possess the skills and knowledge to make informed decisions, solve problems, and create a meaningful impact. Everything you need to succeed and thrive in your role as ________ is already within you. What you bring to the table is not only unique but also extraordinary, and it would be a disservice to the world to remain confined to that corner and not fully embrace what is rightfully yours.
Lesson for You: The key takeaway here is that it's vital to occupy and own the positions and titles you've worked hard to attain. Embrace your abilities and unique qualities, and don't shy away from the responsibilities that come with your roles. By fully inhabiting your positions, you not only enhance your own life but also contribute to the world in a way that only you can. Don't let self-doubt or fear of judgment keep you in the shadows; instead, step into your rightful place and shine.
Conclusion
Mastering your life and owning your sh*t is a transformative journey. It involves embracing the entirety of who you are, from your dreams to your messiness, from your successes to your shortcomings. Each lesson represents a stepping stone on your path to self-mastery. So, acknowledge, own, and make them happen. Don't shy away from your dreams, your complexities, or your worth. Instead, step into your rightful place and shine. Your journey to self-mastery is not only for your benefit but also a gift to the world, as you become the best version of yourself and inspire others to do the same.
P.S. — It’s Covet Season
In the Infamous Mothers Universe (IMverse), we're fully immersed in the transformative Covet season. This is the phase where extraordinary women in our world wholeheartedly dedicate themselves to becoming the versions of themselves that once seemed out of reach. During this season, women are achieving their health and wellness goals, increasing their bottom lines, and accomplishing things that were once deemed 'impossible'. Our mission is crystal clear: we exist to inspire, motivate, and educate you as you relentlessly pursue the very dreams you've longed for.
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ABOUT THE BLOGGER
Dr. Sagashus Levingston is an author, entrepreneur and PhD holder. She has two fur babies, Maya and Gracie, six children (three boys and three girls), and they all (including her partner) live in Madison, WI. She loves all things business, is committed to reminding moms of their power, and is dedicated to playing her part in closing the wealth gap for people of color and women. She believes that mothering is a practice, like yoga, and she fights daily to manage her chocolate intake. The struggle is real, y’all…and sometimes it’s beautiful.
Follow her on Instagram: @infamous.mothers