Love + Success: The Redprint
Discovering the Redprint.
The Wrong Message
Growing up, I internalized the societal message that having a man would make me socially acceptable and give me status in society. Strangely, this message also conveyed that my accomplishments were inconsequential, secondary, at best. What truly mattered was being "chosen." And so, loving a man became my priority. Being loved by someone became my quest. It would be his love and support that would give me “permission” to build a successful career. It would give me the “covering” I needed to pursue my ambitions. Not only was this societal message problematic, but unfortunately, it wasn’t until I became an adult with children that I started rethinking it. I was well into my 30s before I began to seriously and critically think about my criteria for a healthy relationship. Until then, I lacked the knowledge of choosing a partner who would support me in any way, let alone in both love and business.
Love + History
Welcome to our February series— this month's focus is a blend of Black History and Love, and it’s titled Love + Business. This week, we explore examples from Black literature, history, and modern society, focusing on romantic couples navigating the delicate balance between love and success.
Heart and briefcase
The Redprint
Based on my coaching experience and informal research throughout the years, I've put together different templates for people who are approaching relationships balancing love and ambition, understanding that everyone's journey is unique. These models are like starting points or ideas to help you think about what you want in love and your career. I call them the Redprint.
So what exactly is the Redprint? It’s a dynamic framework or guide that outlines strategies, principles, and models for balancing personal relationships and professional endeavors on your terms. It challenges traditional norms and encourages individuals to explore unconventional paths to fulfillment and accomplishment. The Redprint emphasizes the importance of mutual empowerment, equal partnership, and the harmonious integration of personal and professional aspirations. It serves as a catalyst for personal growth, inspiring individuals to redefine traditional notions of success and create fulfilling lives aligned with their unique values and aspirations.
However, it's important to recognize that this blog post offers only a glimpse into its vast potential. Also, while the Redprint provides models of different relationships templates, they are not intended to be restrictive or maintain the status quo. Instead, they are meant to challenge conventional norms, opening us up to new possibilities for success in both our private and public lives.
Traditional Love
In the contemporary landscape of love and success, old-school love still exists. It’s the kind of love where women’s work happens primarily within the private sphere, doing domestic work and raising children and men’s work happens in the public, providing financially. This conventional model, deeply embedded in societal expectations, frames success within relationships through traditional gender roles. Within this model, the man's role as breadwinner and the woman's focus on creating a nurturing home are considered measures of success.
The Love + Success Takeaway: If you value the traditional love model, choose a partner that appreciates and upholds gender-specific roles, where the man takes on the role of primary breadwinner, providing financial support for the family, and the woman focuses on creating a nurturing home environment through domestic responsibilities and raising children.
Magical woman and her healing man
Sorcerers and Healers
In Nnedi Okorafor's "Who Fears Death?," we witness the unique relationship of Onyesonwu and Mwita, representing the Sorcerer and Healers model, where traditional gender roles are reversed. Mwita, initially aspiring to be a sorcerer, embraces the role of a healer, typically associated with "women's work." In contrast, Onyesonwu pursues the path of a sorcerer, challenging societal norms.
Their story showcases love and success redefined on their terms. Beyond Mwita's complex mix of admiration and envy for Onyesonwu's journey, their bond thrives on unwavering support in pursuing their intertwined destinies. Mwita's wholehearted commitment to Onyesonwu's mission exemplifies his genuine encouragement and self-assured identity.
In real-life scenarios, shifts in gender roles are evident. A Pew Research Center study found that 40% of homes with children under 18 have a woman as the primary breadwinner. As Black women excel academically and in entrepreneurship, we are increasingly becoming primary earners. Times are changing, and it's worth noting that combined family income is often higher when the woman is the breadwinner, and societal attitudes are evolving to embrace this shift.
So go ahead, Sis! Get your Rihanna and ASAP Rocky on. We hear it’s lovely over there. To read more about what women are saying about the pros and cons of being in this kind of relationship read this ESSENCE.com article.
The Love + Success Takeaway: As long as you and your partner love, respect, and celebrate each other, there is no shame in making more money and moves than your boo. There is something beautiful about couples giving each other space to pursue their dreams and accomplish their goals at levels that honor each respective individual without feeling pressured to compete or outshine one another.
A couple’s journey from enslavement to freedom
The Craft-ed Model
On the outside, the love between William and Ellen Craft looks similar to the Sorcerers and Healers model of love, but there is a stark difference— the latter is more subversive. This kind of love is not a conversation about who earns what, and has political implications. It’s about survival and freedom. As enslaved people, they chose not to have children within bondage and plotted their escape. Ellen, with her fair skin, assumed the role of a white man, posing as William's master until they gained their freedom, and playing those roles was no longer necessary. Rather than coveting her "position," William actively participated in the plan. Recognizing the societal dynamics of race, gender, and power, they strategically used these dynamics to fulfill their mission. William understood the importance of Ellen passing as white for their collective benefit, navigating the complexities of race and gender to shape their destiny on their terms.
The Love + Success Takeaway: Choose a partner who understands how society sees race, gender, and power and instead of maintaining the status quo, disrupt it. Become a “virus” in the system by mimicking and dismantling it from within. Strategically navigate these dynamics to shape your destiny — as a couple — on both of your terms.
Power Couple
Mavens and Moguls
We can’t talk about love and success without discussing mavens and moguls: power couples. These couples are a dynamic fusion of two individuals, both are ambitious and committed to their respective pursuits of excellence and achievement. Both partners, often highly accomplished in their fields, navigate their professional journeys side by side, mutually supporting and uplifting each other. Their love is not confined by traditional gender roles; instead, it thrives on the equal sharing of responsibilities and celebrating each other's successes. These power couples exemplify a modern, synergistic approach to love and success, where the collective pursuit of excellence becomes the cornerstone of their relationship. The narrative of Mavens and Moguls challenges conventional norms, emphasizing the importance of shared goals, mutual empowerment, and the harmonious integration of individual aspirations within the context of a loving partnership. Some examples of this kind of couple include the following: Viola Davis and Julius Tennon, Angela Bassett and Courtney B. Vance, Michelle Obama and Barack Obama, Oprah Winfrey and Stedman Graham, Ciara and Russell Wilson.
The Love + Success Takeaway: Choose an ambitious partner who values your ambition, acts as a teammate rather than a saboteur, and is willing to work harmoniously within a loving partnership.
Love that transcends race
Something-New Love
David Bowie considered his most significant accomplishment to be his marriage to Iman, a black woman from Somalia.
Every black woman deserves to be loved, respected, appreciated, protected, and valued. For many of us, this might involve, as Alicia Keys put it in one of her songs, "doing the unthinkable" and as seen in the movie "Something New," trying something new— dating outside of one’s race— much like Sanaa Lathan's character.
According to a Pew Research Center study (different from the one above), while a quarter of black men married outside their race in 2013, only 12% of black women did, partly due to concerns about loyalty and racial solidarity. However, it's essential to consider that mismatched relationships contribute to high divorce rates among African Americans. Black women should not sacrifice their happiness for misplaced loyalty, as everyone deserves a healthy and fulfilling partnership. This may sometimes involve exploring new possibilities, as exemplified by notable couples like Mellody Hobson and George Lucas, Iman and David Bowie, Tina Turner and Erwin Bach, Serena Williams and Alexis Ohanian, and Meghan Markle and Prince Harry.
The Love + Success Takeaway: It’s ok to choose your happiness and fulfillment. Settling for a love that doesn’t serve you or one that requires you to play small and be the sacrifice is anti-black, and it’s a blatant form of misogyny. Instead of settling or opting out of love, consider expanding your options and trying something new. Consider dating outside of your race.
Love that defies age
Tea-Cake and Janie
Zora Neale Hurston’s novel Their Eyes Were Watching God is one of my favorite novels, in part because of Janie Crawford’s and Tea Cake’s relationship. One of the sexiest lines from it is when Tea Cake responds to Janie’s insecurity about dating him, someone who is 12 years younger than her. He told her this: "God made it so you spent yo' ole age first wid somebody else, and saved up yo' young girl days to spend wid me." Those words made readers swoon, and so did Janie.
By choosing to lean into the age difference, as opposed to running from it, Janie Crawford might have been on to something more than a steamy romance. Successful women throughout black history and across industries have decided that dating and marrying partners who are either significantly younger or older than them just might be the solution to their love and success problem. Take Shelly Archambeau, influencer and former CEO of a Fortune 500 company. She married a man who was 35 years older than her— someone who had experienced multiple careers— and was willing to retire so that he could stay home with their children while she built her career.
What are the advantages of being in an age-disparate relationship? Two benefits stand out that could significantly contribute to your journey towards success. Firstly, it's likely that an older partner will have achieved a level of financial stability. This security can provide you with the freedom to focus on your entrepreneurial endeavors or academic pursuits without the stress of worrying about bills, shelter, food, etc. Secondly, age-disparate couples often find that they fulfill each other's needs in complementary ways. The older partner may bring a wealth of wisdom and guidance to the relationship, while the younger partner can inject vibrancy and fun, creating a balanced and supportive dynamic.
Other notable couples with significant age gaps between them are Gabrielle Union and Dwayne Wade, Ursula Burns and Lloyd Bean, and Jay-Z and Beyonce.
The Love + Success Takeaway: Consider this model if you're exploring love and career ambitions. Age-disparate relationships challenge norms and offer mutual growth benefits. These relationships may provide financial stability, shared wisdom, and a blend of energy and support, proving that success in love and career can stem from shared values and mutual respect, beyond age conformity.
Love outside the box
The Value of These Models
The primary purpose of presenting these models of love and success is to broaden your perspective by offering a variety of options. Often, societal, familial, or community norms may lead us to believe in a singular model of relationships, or we may feel pressure to conform to a specific notion of love that doesn't quite fit our personal reality. These models are here to remind you that there's not just one "right" way to love or to build a relationship. Instead, they encourage you to explore and consider alternatives that might align more closely with your individual aspirations, circumstances, and values, free from guilt or the burden of conforming to expectations that don't resonate with you.
Abstract representations of the six different love models
Conclusion
In our exploration of diverse love and success models, we dive into stories that break from tradition, inspiring us to shape our unique narratives. From the enduring tales in literature to the impactful lives of historical figures and modern couples, we've showcased the richness of relationships that support both personal growth and collective progress. This journey through various models, including traditional roles, role reversals, and partnerships of equals, highlights the importance of choice, adaptability, and shared goals in building fulfilling connections.
As this is the first installment in our series, we invite you to consider the broad spectrum of love and partnership. Reflecting on examples like Janie and Tea Cake's romance and the achievements of trailblazing couples, we see the vast potential for love to complement and elevate our pursuits. The key lies in mutual respect, embracing diversity, and the courage to pursue a partnership that aligns with your personal vision of success.
This series aims to encourage you to think beyond conventional boundaries, exploring and embracing the kind of relationship that truly speaks to your aspirations and values. It’s meant to give you permission to love on your terms. By recognizing the power of supportive partnerships in achieving personal and professional goals, we hope to inspire a more inclusive and dynamic understanding of love and success.
Join us as we continue to explore the multifaceted nature of relationships in the context of Love + Business, offering insights and inspiration for crafting your path in love and success, tailored to your unique journey.
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Photo Credit: Chris Charles
ABOUT THE BLOGGER
Dr. Sagashus Levingston is an author, entrepreneur and PhD holder. She has two fur babies, Maya and Gracie, six children (three boys and three girls), and they all (including her partner) live in Madison, WI. She loves all things business, is committed to reminding moms of their power, and is dedicated to playing her part in closing the wealth gap for people of color and women. She believes that mothering is a practice, like yoga, and she fights daily to manage her chocolate intake. The struggle is real, y’all…and sometimes it’s beautiful.
Follow her on Instagram: @infamous.mothers