Love + Values: From the Lonny and Miles Effects to the Ossie Option
Getting directions for finding love without compromising values
Introduction
When I was growing up, my mom used to jokingly say, “I don’t trust no one. And when I’m in love, I don’t trust myself.” At the time, I didn’t have enough experience to understand what she meant. But as an adult, I have an idea. Often, when we’re on a mission — good or bad — we use a certain amount of discretion. We move with a level of stealth, and we are careful about who we include in that space. We operate with a (un)healthy amount of distrust of others to not compromise the journey. However, when we’re in love, we throw caution out the window.
Thinking back on my mom’s words, with so much more life and professional experience behind me now, her message hits differently. Through coaching and leading retreats, I’ve seen brilliant, hardworking, focused women lose their way because of love. Whether they were pursuing it or trying to maintain it, I’ve personally witnessed their progress stifle or never fully get off the ground as a result of romance. The issue is less about women being lovestruck and more about living in a patriarchal society that, historically, places more value on a woman for having a man than on her ability to make an impact in the world. I digress, though.
Compass - heart, success, both
Welcome to the second installment of the Love + Business series. This particular post is part of our Bad Girl Fit Campaign. It’s a nod to our fifth principle: “I pledge to walk with the people, things, and ideas that I value, making sure my actions align with what I say matters most to me; and if they don’t, I commit to either changing my actions, company, and thoughts or changing what I say I value.” Whew! That’s a thought-full. To put it more simply, this piece is about “walking the values that we talk.” It isn’t a new topic for us (see this previous post on self-value). But today, we are approaching the subject from a very specific angle: honoring our values as we engage in love. In a month where romance and Black History overlap, this post offers lessons on managing love while becoming a legend.
Introducing The Effects
Lonnie
In a previous post, I shared the story of me and Lonny, a guy I dated back in the day. I wrote about how I was struggling in graduate school, and I was feeling sorry for myself because, at the time, I was a single mom of five. I share that someone further along in the program hit me with this hard truth: “We all have the same 24 hours in the day. How are you going to use yours?” I put some thought into that message and decided I’d start going to bed at 7 PM so that I could wake up at 3 AM. That way, I could pray, workout and do my work before my kids started their day. It took me a minute to pull it off. After a while, though, I had become more consistent with this crazy schedule. I was starting to feel myself succeed.
An image of a man and woman fighting over and for time.
Along came Lonny. Lonny was someone I wasn’t even interested in, but my friend had convinced me that I didn’t know a good man when I saw one. So, against my better judgment, I took a chance with him. I don’t need to tell you that was a mistake — for a lot of reasons. But the biggest reason was that I let him convince me that my schedule was hurting our already toxic relationship. He said we weren’t spending enough time together. And so, I started going to bed later and later. Just when my schedule was completely thrown off, and I was back to struggling, he cheated on me. Looking back over our time together, heartbroken, sad, and mad at myself, a thought came to my mind. “When your actions and your values aren’t lining up, either change your actions or change what you say you value.” In this case, my actions showed me that I valued being in a relationship — any relationship — more than I valued accomplishing my goals. That was a hard truth. I had to determine if I was going to let that be my story or if I was going to change it.
This kind of revelation is what I call the Lonnie Effect. It’s the lesson we learn and the impact we experience as the result of someone coming in and disappointing you and derailing your mission because of a misalignment or misunderstanding about your values. The Lonnie in your life isn’t a waste of time, he’s a cautionary tale, at best, and a hard lesson, at worse. Your experience with him allows you to reflect on what matters most in your life.
Burdened
The Lonnie Effect: A Cautionary Journey of Rediscovery
1. Vision Clarity: Your path starts with distinct personal and professional objectives.
2. Disruptive Influence: The entrance of Lonnie into your life brings an unexpected challenge to your established plans.
3. Shift in Focus: Your daily routines and goals are gradually sidetracked by the demands of this new relationship.
4. Relationship Strain: As the relationship sours, marked by a lack of respect and fidelity, the toll on your personal ambitions becomes evident.
5. Reassessment: The relationship's end forces a deep self-reflection, reconnecting you with your neglected aspirations.
6. Insightful Growth: This period becomes a transformative one, offering insights and a realigned focus on what truly matters to you.
If you don’t want to get Lonnied, here are some red flags and other things to consider:
If he love bombs you, you might be finding yourself on the other end of a Lonnie Effect.
If your schedule and routine make him feel uncomfortable— the one you’ve created to ensure and/or protect your success, it’s giving Lonny.
If you begin to question yourself and feel like you have to choose between your dreams and being with him— or if you choose to deprioritize your dreams for him…it’s giving Lonny, Sis.
After you’ve made all those changes, and he still “can’t get right,” Yup, you are having a full-blown Lonny experience. My heart goes out to you.
Build-a-Man Factory
How Did We Get Here?
The "Lonnie Effect" in black relationships can be better understood by considering the historical and social contexts. Traditionally, black communities have had to navigate complex societal challenges, including racial discrimination, which had a big impact on family and relationship dynamics. This historical backdrop often required prioritizing collective survival and racial solidarity, sometimes at the expense of personal aspirations. In contemporary times, although there's a shift towards valuing individual growth, these historical influences still play a subtle role in romantic relationships, particularly in the balance between personal ambitions and relational commitments.
It’s not uncommon for black women to be conditioned to not “leave behind” black men or to “love them through” addiction, abuse, struggle, etc. Otherwise, we’re seen as disloyal, bitches, sellouts, and worse— especially when the woman is perceived as more successful. Often, we settle for the Lonnies of the world, not because there are no potential partners that we are more compatible with but because many of us have been trained to become “build a man” factories. A lot of us see it as being our duty, or mission. Others of us do it because we’ve been taught to believe that good men don’t want smart, ambitious women. They want trophy wives who look pretty and say very little. If we stick it out with the Lonnies of the world, maybe they will reward us in the end with their faithfulness, love and— if we’re lucky— hard work and provision. Lonny, to an extent, is our version of Beauty’s Beast. We endure him because, hopefully, after all the bullsh*t, he will become our prince— our king— and we will get our happily ever after.
Look, Sis. While I am no dream killer, I will say that when you’re dealing with a Lonny, at the end of all the compromising and settling, you will still end up with some sort of beast, and not the broody, sexy kind, either. So let’s explore an alternative named Miles.
An awkward moment
Miles
Now Miles, he was altogether something different. Tall, handsome…a mystery. A man who spoke very little, but accomplished a lot. Not a friend, but definitely not an enemy, he intrigued me.
For one, he had discipline. He was someone who had a plan and stuck with it, laser-focused. That discipline translated to how he managed both money and boundaries.
I wanted him. I wanted to unwrap that mystery and consume it. And so I created a plan to get him. One day, I happened to be at his home. When he stepped out, I picked the lock on his bedroom door and waited for him on his bed. (I admit, not my finest moment, for sure cringy.) It felt like forever before he came back. When he did, though, I looked at him. He was handsome and sexy as ever, and I froze. I realized that if I tried to cross that line, there may be no coming back. I realized this as I watched him stare at me confused, probably wondering how I had gotten in his room, and why I was there. He didn’t say a word. He just looked at me, and instead of taking advantage of an “opportunity” — I was intoxicated — or insulting me (after all, I had just broken into his room) he turned around and left…left his sleeping quarters, his home, and me on his bed. I sat there both embarrassed and impressed. He didn’t disappoint. Exactly what I had imagined him to be, he was a man of restraint, class…the exact opposite of a douche.
That awkward moment made me realize that more than wanting him, I needed what he had: his focus and discipline. The respect that others had for him, the way they saw him as a leader, I wanted that, too. It was more important for me to study and learn from him than it was for me to sleep with him. That, Sis, is the Miles effect. It’s the moment when you encounter someone so powerful or impactful that more than laying with with him you want to learn from him.
Choosing growth over romance and/or toxicity
Too often, we squander a Miles opportunity for something else. Take our experience with pastors, for instance. Some women see these men of God on the pulpit preaching. We admire their faith and commitment to their families and wives. And we covet that relationship, not realizing that the moment they cross the line with us, they stop being who we imagined. But equally important, if not more important, is this: Crossing the line jeopardizes an opportunity to gain something greater than a sexual or romantic encounter. In the case of the pastor, this means complicating our spiritual walk and potentially being an outcast from a space that was otherwise safe. It means losing trust and respect in a community that we may value.
In the case of an entrepreneur, blurred lines mean risking mentorship, sponsorship, and networking connections. It is so important for black women in business to have these so that we can build sustainable businesses, scale, and or sell. I’ve seen way too many women in business with potential and even resources without the right kind of professional support, nurture, and guidance. The Miles effect is about building that relationship with someone — despite having a sexual attraction to them — and watching your bag grow, as a result. It’s a hard thing to do, especially when you are looking for love, romance or a steamy night session. But it’s worth it.
The Miles Effect: A Road to Empowerment
1. Deep Attraction: The draw to Miles presents a juncture of potential romantic involvement or professional growth.
2. Mentorship Over Romance: Choosing to embrace a mentor-mentee dynamic, you prioritize your long-term personal development.
3. Focused on the Future: This decision marks a dedication to your growth, echoing your deepest values and professional aims.
4. Restorative Boundaries: Establishing clear boundaries paves the way for healing and a reinforced sense of self.
5. Transformative Engagement: This mentorship evolves into a journey of profound personal enrichment and skill enhancement.
6. Amplified Success: This choice not only aligns with your goals but also brings about significant progress in your career and personal life.
Inspired by Ruby Dee and Ossie Davis
The Ossie Option
I can hear some of you saying, “Wait a minute. So is the lesson to kiss neither frogs (Lonnies) nor kings (Miles). The answer is this: That is not the message. The Miles and Lonny effects are about discernment. They are about recognizing two very specific kinds of relationships. Lonny is a cautionary tale complete with lessons that force you to rethink your values. Miles is about not confusing a business or growth opportunity for a romantic opportunity. And if you just need to bed and/or wed your Miles, that’s fine, too. However, just make sure the initial experience is rooted in personal and professional growth; prioritize those first. But there’s a third relationship: the Ossie option, as in Ruby Dee and Ossie Davis.
The Ruby Dee and Ossie Davis love story transcends mere romance, embodying a profound partnership of shared values, mutual respect, and collective ambition. Married in 1948, their bond was not only a testament to enduring affection but also a demonstration of how love can flourish alongside and through shared professional and activist endeavors. Their relationship was especially compelling and worthy of emulation for several reasons, each illustrating the depth and richness that come from a partnership grounded in adoration and common goals.
Alignment of Values and Ambitions: Ruby Dee and Ossie Davis shared not just a love for the arts but a commitment to social justice and civil rights, using their platform to advocate for change. Their relationship underscores the importance of shared values, showing that when two people are united in their beliefs and goals, their partnership can become a powerful force for good. This alignment creates a deeper connection, as partners can support not only each other's personal growth but also their shared mission to make a difference in the world.
The Balancing Act
Mutual Respect and Support: Their love story was characterized by mutual respect and support, both personally and professionally. They navigated the challenges of Hollywood and activism together, always valuing each other's contributions and standing as equals. This mutual respect fosters a nurturing environment for personal and professional growth, illustrating that in the right relationship, partners elevate each other, celebrating successes and facing challenges as a united front.
Legacy and Impact: The legacy of Ruby Dee and Ossie Davis extends beyond their achievements to include the powerful impact they had together on the arts and civil rights. Their partnership reminds us that a relationship can be a vehicle for creating lasting change, inspiring others not just through words but through the example of their lives. Pursuing a Ruby Dee and Ossie Davis kind of love means aspiring to a relationship that not only enriches your life but also contributes positively to the world around you.
Enduring Partnership: In an industry known for fleeting relationships, their over half-century-long marriage stands as a beacon of enduring love. It demonstrates that with mutual effort, understanding, and shared values, it is possible to sustain a deep and meaningful relationship over time. Their story is a testament to the idea that true love weathers the trials of life, growing stronger in the face of adversity.
In essence, pursuing a Ruby Dee and Ossie Davis kind of love is about seeking a partner with whom you can share not just a life but a purpose. It's about finding someone who not only understands and shares your dreams but also works with you to achieve them. This type of love goes beyond personal happiness to encompass a shared commitment to making a difference, embodying the belief that together, we can be more, do more, and contribute more.
Their love story serves as a guiding light, showing that when love and ambition are intertwined with shared values and a reverence that goes both ways, the relationship not only thrives but also leaves a lasting legacy. It's a reminder that the most fulfilling relationships are those in which love is not just an emotion but a partnership that elevates, inspires, and transforms. Pursuing this kind of love is not just about finding happiness with another person but about building a life together that is meaningful, impactful, and enduring.
We fit together.
Steps that may lead you to the Ossie option…
Finding a love like Ruby Dee and Ossie Davis, characterized by shared values, reciprocal respect, and a common purpose, involves several intentional steps. This kind of deep, meaningful partnership is built over time, grounded in mutual understanding and a shared commitment to not only each other but also to making a positive impact in the world. Here are steps you can take to find and nurture such a relationship:
1. Know Yourself and Your Values
Self-Reflection: Spend time understanding your values, beliefs, and ambitions. Knowing what matters most to you will help you identify a partner who shares those ideals.
Self-Growth: Work on your personal development and strive to be the best version of yourself. A strong sense of self attracts similar energy.
2. Look for Shared Values
Common Ground: Seek a partner who not only respects but also shares your core values and passions, especially in areas like social justice, arts, or community service.
Deeper Conversations: Engage in meaningful discussions early on to explore your beliefs, goals, and visions for the future.
3. Cultivate Mutual Respect and Support
Equality: Treat each other as equals, valuing the other’s opinions, contributions, and careers equally.
Nurturing Environment: Foster a relationship where both partners feel supported in their personal and professional growth.
4. Commit to Open and Honest Communication
Transparency: Maintain open lines of communication, expressing your needs, fears, and desires transparently.
Active Listening: Practice active listening, ensuring you understand your partner’s point of view and validate their feelings.
5. Work Towards Common Goals
Shared Projects: Engage in activities or projects that align with your mutual interests and values. This can be anything from community service to creative collaborations.
Make a Difference Together: Use your relationship as a platform to advocate for change in areas you are both passionate about.
We grow together.
6. Build a Foundation of Trust and Understanding
Trust: Develop trust by being reliable, consistent, and faithful.
Understanding: Show empathy and understanding towards your partner’s experiences and background.
7. Embrace Challenges as Opportunities for Growth
Resilience: View challenges and disagreements as opportunities to strengthen your relationship.
Support Through Adversity: Stand by each other during tough times, demonstrating that your partnership can withstand life’s trials.
8. Celebrate Each Other’s Individuality and Achievements
Individual Growth: Encourage and celebrate each other’s achievements and growth.
Appreciation: Regularly express gratitude and appreciation for each other’s contributions to the relationship.
9. Commit to Lifelong Learning and Growth Together
Continuous Improvement: Remain open to learning and growing both individually and as a couple.
Evolve Together: Adapt to changes in life and goals, ensuring your relationship evolves in a way that remains aligned with your shared values.
10. Foster a Legacy of Love and Impact
Inspire Others: Through your relationship, inspire others by setting an example of love, respect, and positive impact.
Contribute to the Greater Good: Look for ways your partnership can contribute to the community and the world at large, creating a lasting legacy.
Finding a love like Ruby Dee and Ossie Davis is about much more than romantic compatibility. It’s about forming a partnership that is deeply rooted in shared values, mutual respect, and a joint commitment to making a difference in the world. By focusing on these steps, you can build a strong foundation for a relationship that not only brings personal fulfillment but also contributes positively to the society around you.
Be the architect of your life.
Conclusion
As we wrap up this installment of the Love + Business series, let's remember the wisdom embedded in our stories about Lonnie and Miles, and the aspirational legacy of Ruby Dee and Ossie Davis. These narratives aren't just tales of caution, growth, or romantic idealism; they're blueprints for living a life that harmonizes our personal desires with our professional ambitions, all while nurturing relationships that elevate rather than hinder us.
The Lonnie Effect, while a cautionary tale, is a powerful reminder to remain vigilant about aligning our actions with our values, especially in love. Lonnie teaches us the importance of discerning love from distraction, ensuring that our romantic choices bolster rather than derail our ambitions.
The Miles Effect, on the other hand, offers a path of empowerment, urging us to see beyond immediate attraction and recognize the potential for mentorship, growth, and professional advancement. It's a testament to the strength found in restraint and the wisdom in prioritizing long-term goals over fleeting desires.
And then there's the Ossie Option — a beacon of what's possible when two people come together not just in love, but in purpose. Ruby Dee and Ossie Davis didn't just share a love story; they shared a life's mission, demonstrating how a partnership can be both a personal sanctuary and a platform for societal change. Their legacy is a reminder that the most profound relationships are those built on mutual respect, shared values, and a joint commitment to leaving the world better than they found it.
Move harmoniously.
In navigating the complexities of love and ambition, let us strive to recognize the Lonnies in our lives, welcome the Miles moments for growth, and ultimately seek the Ossie Option — a partnership that enriches both our hearts and our communities. By walking the values we talk about, especially in matters of the heart, we not only honor our paths but also pave the way for relationships that are transformative, enduring, and deeply fulfilling.
As we continue on our respective journeys, may we all find that sweet spot where love and business not only coexist but thrive, inspiring others and ourselves to reach new heights. Let's not settle for less than we deserve or compromise our dreams for companionship. Instead, let's aim for partnerships that empower us, support our missions, and contribute to a legacy of love, respect, and impact.
In honor of Black History Month, let's pledge to walk in our values, particularly in matters of the heart, ensuring our romantic choices reflect our deepest aspirations and contribute to our community's legacy. As we move forward, may we find the courage to seek partnerships that empower us, echo our missions, and enrich the tapestry of Black history with our love stories. Here's to discovering our own Ruby Dee and Ossie Davis kind of love— even if it’s by way of Lonny or Miles experiences— where together, we amplify our impact, nurture our communities, and continue the legacy of transformative, enduring Black love.
P.S. — It’s Covet Season
In the Infamous Mothers Universe (IMverse), we're fully immersed in the transformative Covet season. This is the phase where extraordinary women in our world wholeheartedly dedicate themselves to becoming the versions of themselves that once seemed out of reach. During this season, women are achieving their health and wellness goals, increasing their bottom lines, and accomplishing things that were once deemed 'impossible'. Our mission is crystal clear: we exist to inspire, motivate, and educate you as you relentlessly pursue the very dreams you've longed for.
If you want to join us in Covet season, are ready to delve deeper into the enriching content of this series, we have more FREE content to offer:
Subscribe to our blog: Gain access to valuable content that can spark your personal transformation (complete the Weekly Wench form below).
Join our Wanted newsletter: Stay in the loop with the latest resources.
Join our growing Instagram community to connect with kindred spirits. We're here to empower you throughout Covet Season, guiding you to turn your dreams into a vibrant reality.
Photo Credit: Chris Charles
ABOUT THE BLOGGER
Dr. Sagashus Levingston is an author, entrepreneur and PhD holder. She has two fur babies, Maya and Gracie, six children (three boys and three girls), and they all (including her partner) live in Madison, WI. She loves all things business, is committed to reminding moms of their power, and is dedicated to playing her part in closing the wealth gap for people of color and women. She believes that mothering is a practice, like yoga, and she fights daily to manage her chocolate intake. The struggle is real, y’all…and sometimes it’s beautiful.
Follow her on Instagram: @infamous.mothers