Mastering Your Life (Part 3): The Power of Calling Bullsh*t
Introduction
Have you ever found yourself in a situation where you had to lovingly confront someone about their excuses and self-deception? You know the scenario: a friend trapped in a romantic relationship that's clearly not serving her, yet she keeps presenting you with a myriad of justifications instead of confronting the reality. After enduring this for a while, you gather the courage to say, "Respectfully, Sis, I call bullshit. You're not with him for the reasons you claim. You're with him because you're afraid to be alone."
Or perhaps you've encountered someone who's weaving a web of lies, and after patiently listening to their stories, you look them in the eyes and say, "You understand that's a load of bullshit, right?" Of course, you do it with love.
Unearthing self-deception and nonsense can be a profound and, at times, surprising experience for both the person being confronted and the one delivering the truth. It's a phenomenon rooted in our reluctance to be forthright, not only with others but also with ourselves.
Facing the truth can be intimidating. It often lays bare our fears, insecurities, and discomfort. It may demand actions we're not prepared to take or necessitate steps that are unclear, leading to panic, fear, and even desperation.
In the realm of pursuing our most ambitious aspirations while raising children, we frequently talk ourselves out of opportunities before even commencing. We convince ourselves that we must forfeit our goals for our children, that our lives ended when theirs began, and that pursuing our objectives detracts from our parenting duties.
But what if you challenged your self-deception?
What if you defied the voices convincing you that you must choose between nurturing your children and providing for them? What if you questioned the negative thoughts making you feel guilty about the moments you include yourself at the forefront of your family's agenda instead of relegating yourself to a lifetime of martyrdom while tending to others?
What if you refused to accept that your ambitions must perish for others to thrive?
Navigating Parenthood and Aspirations
When I decided to become a parent, I knew that to be the best mom I could be, I had to keep chasing my own dreams. During my college years, I became a mother to three kids, and some folks thought I'd drop out. But that was some bullshit. I was determined to finish, no matter how tough it seemed. Back then, I couldn't recall another woman in my community juggling college and a family like I was doing. I might have been the first in my housing complex to pull it off. Surprisingly, my journey inspired two other women to go back to school to follow their own dreams. I'll never forget one estranged friend who said, "I heard your family celebrating and saw everyone taking pictures, saying congratulations. All I could do was sit on the edge of my bed and say to myself, ‘She did it. She actually finished.’" Shortly after, she was enrolled in school. That was a big deal to both of us.
During my first year of graduate school, I found myself pregnant with my fourth child. I wasn't sure if I'd get kicked out of the program or if I'd drop out. Either way, moving forward seemed nearly impossible. Thankfully, a friend in my life called bullshit, saying, "No way. You chose to have a baby, so now you need to choose to keep going. You've made it harder for yourself, but you're going to earn that degree." And you know what? I did. I faced ridicule from many, including a professor in my department who boldly said, "There's a cure for that," referring to my pregnancy. Maybe she thought I'd set back the feminist movement by a century. But in reality, by choosing to have my child, I motivated other graduate students over the next few years to see that they didn't have to compromise between their dream careers and their dreams of becoming parents. They started calling out the BS too.
One year later, I found myself not only expecting my fifth child but also needing emergency surgery the day before defending my master's thesis. I called my department from my hospital bed and told them I could still defend. But they called bullshit. "You need to rest up and recover." And they were right. They rescheduled my defense, and a few weeks later, I successfully defended my thesis.
By the time I was pregnant with my sixth child, I was working on my dissertation proposal and struggling financially. My student loans were maxed out. Sometimes, I was making ends meet with the money I earned as a teaching assistant, while other times, I relied on fellowships. Paying for rent, car expenses, and childcare for my kids was a daily challenge. Life got so rough that someone close to me suggested I should quit. But that was some bullshit. I was dead set on finishing what I started. Not only did I welcome my son into the world, but I also wrote a book, launched Infamous Mothers, and even took to the stage with one of my daughters for an adaptation of the book before completing my dissertation.
I became a mother in my early twenties, and now in my mid-40s, I've heard it all: "You can't run as fast with a baby on your hip," or "You're a disappointment for having children before realizing your dreams." But what many don't understand is that my children ignited my dreams. Striving to give them a better life allowed me to find clarity about my own aspirations. I believed that my pursuit of dreams would serve as a powerful example for my children to chase their own, and judging by the paths my adult children are on now, it looks like that approach really worked.
With all this in mind, there’s an art and power in being able to call bullshit. There are ways to do it that will lead to positive outcomes and major breakthroughs. Here's my four-part journaling strategy, aimed at getting us from the messy to the marvelous.
The Art of Calling Bullshit: The Four-Step Journaling Strategy
To transform your life and achieve your goals, it's essential to challenge your own self-deception. Here's a simple yet transformative four-step journaling strategy:
Step 1: Identify the aspect of your life or mindset you want to expose. Be radically honest and clear about it. Here’s a question to consider, am I mind f*cking myself on this issue, or am I keeping it 100% honest with myself?
Step 2: When you confront your own deception, acknowledge the emotions it stirs. Instead of ignoring or denying them, name your feelings.
Step 3: Explain why you feel the way you do, delving deep into the root causes of your excuses or limitations.
Step 4: Develop a plan to address both the issue you've confronted and the associated emotions.
This strategy may seem simple, but it demands courage and a commitment to living in the solution instead of wallowing in the problem. I've applied this approach with my coaching clients, during our retreats, and in my own life, consistently yielding profound transformations.
Real-Life Transformations
One inspiring example comes from coaching an attorney who was unhappy with her job. Through this strategy and other complementary methods, she overcame her mental blocks, secured a new job, and increased her income within 9 months. Her growth extended beyond her career, helping her reclaim her identity, enhance her parenting, and re-establish long-forgotten boundaries.
Conclusion
It's time to challenge the limitations and excuses that hold you back from pursuing your objectives. Challenge the false narrative that forces you to choose between your children's well-being and your goals. Embrace radical honesty, confront your fears, and create a plan to live the life you desire.
Try this four-step journaling strategy for seven days and watch positive changes unfold in your life. If you're looking for structured guidance, consider using "Covet: The 'Disrespectful' Health and Wellness Journal," which includes this exercise daily for 12 weeks as part of the "Daily Shit" section of your reflection. It's time to stop settling for the deception and start living your aspirations.
P.S. — It’s Covet Season
In the Infamous Mothers Universe (IMverse), we're fully immersed in the transformative Covet season. This is the phase where extraordinary women in our world wholeheartedly dedicate themselves to becoming the versions of themselves that once seemed out of reach. During this season, women are achieving their health and wellness goals, increasing their bottom lines, and accomplishing things that were once deemed 'impossible'. Our mission is crystal clear: we exist to inspire, motivate, and educate you as you relentlessly pursue the very dreams you've longed for.
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ABOUT THE BLOGGER
Dr. Sagashus Levingston is an author, entrepreneur and PhD holder. She has two fur babies, Maya and Gracie, six children (three boys and three girls), and they all (including her partner) live in Madison, WI. She loves all things business, is committed to reminding moms of their power, and is dedicated to playing her part in closing the wealth gap for people of color and women. She believes that mothering is a practice, like yoga, and she fights daily to manage her chocolate intake. The struggle is real, y’all…and sometimes it’s beautiful.
Follow her on Instagram: @infamous.mothers