Seven Lessons on Building a Business That Does Good AND Well: Because This, Right Here, Is a Whole Entire Relationship…Not a Transaction
A few years ago, I read a book called Relationomics: Business Powered by Relationships. And it transformed the way that I thought about and run my company.
Within the first pages, Dr. Randy Ross (the author) is dropping gems that some may argue are common sense. (But are they, though?) And if they are common sense, can we also say that the lessons he shares are common practices?
Consider his words here. “Thriving organizations are powered by people. And profitable organizations serve people well, both internally and externally. The healthier the relationships between the people, the better the business.” On the very next page, he continues with this: “Relationship catalyzes growth. No place is this more evident than in business. People want to grow. Companies want to grow. But growth is a by-product of healthy relationships. And the stark reality is that most business environments simply are not conducive to the cultivation of healthy relationships.” Taking my cue from Dr. Ross, on this Valentine’s Day, I offer seven lessons I’ve learned throughout the years on building a successful company based on connecting with and loving people.
In this blog post, I put it out there: my triumphs, my mess, and my current challenges. My hope is that, reading it, you feel affirmed, seen and inspired. I hope you walk away with reminders and lessons that you can use today to begin making a difference in how you do business.
Lesson 1: Offer an experience that money can’t buy
After getting tangled up in all the jargon entrepreneurs have to learn in our respective fields and industries as well as the general language of business, the concept of “adding value” can seem strange, difficult and overwhelming. But I love how Ernesto breaks it down to Joe in the book The Go-Giver. Ernesto, a real estate mogul and restaurateur tells Joe — a young, corporate “go-getter” — that “your true worth is determined by how much more you give in value than you take in payment.” Every day, on social media, people are selling bundles. Somewhere on the screen are words that read something like this: “Valued at $9,997 but buy right now, and only pay $97.” I'm sure this is a gross exaggeration. But you get the picture. While this kind of “gifting” may be one way to add value to a customer’s experience, it’s not the only way.
Let’s revisit Ernesto and Joe. The former tells the latter that a bad restaurant tries to give just enough food and service to justify the amount being charged. A good restaurant “strives to give the most quantity and quality for the money it takes.” As for great restaurants, their “goal is to provide a higher quality of food and service than any amount of money could possibly pay for.” In other words, a great restaurant creates an experience for a customer that can’t be bought. But what does this look like?
In her book, Unapologetically Ambitious: Take Risk, Break Barriers, and Create Success on Your Own Terms, Shelly Archambeau, one of Silicon Valley’s first African-American CEOs, shares a lesson that one of her mentors taught her early on. “You’re an EA [Executive Assistant] now…and that means your job is to make your boss look good. Other EAs are trying to make themselves look good, but if you want to really excel, you’re going to make him wonder how he could ever do this job without you.” In his book, Give and Take: Why Helping Others Drives Our Success, organizational psychologist and top professor at The Wharton School, Adam Grant, tells us that giving (or adding value) includes the following: “sharing your time, energy, knowledge, skills, ideas and connections with people who can benefit from them.” He also tells us that being a giver or being a taker is not about money at all.
Those who bring value to others versus those who take value differ in their attitudes. “If you’re a taker, you help others strategically, when the benefits to you outweigh the personal costs. If you’re a giver, you might use a different-cost benefit analysis: you help whenever the benefit to others exceeds personal costs.” Adding value, in its truest most sincere sense, is not about reciprocity. It’s not about trying to manipulate others into a sell. It’s not about you at all. Adding value is about honoring the person in front of you whether or not that interaction brings compensation to you or not. It’s about building relationships based on centering other people.
If you’re anything like Joe (or me), you’re wondering how one earns a living with this approach? Joe says, “”That [giving] sounds like a recipe for bankruptcy! It’s almost like you’re trying to avoid making money.” Ernesto’s response, “You give, give, give. Why? Because you love to. It’s not a strategy, it’s a way of life. And when you do, then very, very profitable things begin to happen.” I wanted to challenge these messages from the Go-Giver and Give and Take. I thought about when I started out, how I had given my services to different organizations for free because they didn’t have the budget to compensate me. Although the reviews about my work glowed and raved, after a couple of years, only one raised the dollars to retain me. Immediately, the work I was doing and building through Infamous Mothers caught the attention of the media. I remember being on the cover of a magazine as a woman to watch, but I didn’t have a winter coat or working car. I was broke, from all that giving…or so it seemed.
That same free work caught the attention of a few major sponsors. In fact, an employee of one of the sponsoring companies had previously worked at one of the organizations that I offered my services to. She remembered my reputation and the high-quality programming that I had offered, for free, and she vouched for me. Within two years, I had raised almost twenty times the startup amount that many black women are able to secure. And it was in large part because of the ripple effect of giving.
In business, giving as a way of life (not as a strategy) is, indeed, profitable. Think about the way you move as an entrepreneur, co-worker, small business owner and professional. Are you adding value to those around you? Adam Grant talks about the five-minute favor. Today, I challenge you to think about 90-second favors. For 90-seconds, what greatness can you add to the life of a customer, contractor, co-founder, etc? What can you give them that money can’t buy?
Lesson 2: This Isn’t the Mean Girl’s Club
In 2013, Gabrielle Union made everyone’s mouth drop at Essence magazine’s Fierce and Fearless pre-Oscar luncheon. As a recipient of the Essence award, she delivered a five-minute speech that included these words: “We live in a town that rewards pretending. And I had been pretending to be fierce and fearless for a very long time. I was a victim masquerading as a survivor.” She continued with, “I used to revel in gossip and rumors. And I lived for the negativity inflicted upon my sister actresses or anyone I felt whose shine diminished my own. I took joy in people’s pain and I tap-danced on their misery.” Whoa.
I don’t think you have to be a woman in Hollywood for Union’s words to hit home. As an entrepreneur in Madison, I’ve done my own reveling and tap-dancing, that’s for sure. In spaces and economies that try to convince us that there isn’t enough room for all of us to grow and expand, we spread a lot of rumors and do a lot of gossiping as a way to undermine “the competition” or dim someone else’s light. We drip poison from our lips onto the ears of funders, sponsors and even customers. We cut off supply chains and disrupt distribution channels, and we erase or deny another woman we call sister from our timelines and networks. We “add value” to other people’s lives as a way of making ourselves look important. Or, when we should be cheering and standing with them, we become silent, triggered by their greatness. This can’t be the way we do business.
Not too long ago, I got caught up in a situation that made me ask, “How did I get here?” Part of the answer is upbringing. You see, as much as I love the people that raised me, some of them were (and still are) flat-out messy. In our family, we have our own set of mean girls. They promote a culture of gossip and judgment. Some of the people who had the most influence on my life were passive aggressive or always looking for an opportunity to get their verbal “lick back.” And while I did learn how to be diplomatic over the years, I am still a product of that culture. Another part of the answer is fear of being put into the social construct of being the “angry black woman.” To avoid this, I’ve allowed myself to get caught up in what Alicia Menendez refers to as “the likeability trap.” There, I have silently listened, and even occasionally chimed in on gossip about women that I respect and/or even admire, as a way to avoid conflict with other women in my group. But that’s cowardly, and I am not a coward.
So, how am I addressing my own mean girl ways? First, I’m giving myself grace. I have been a mean girl because I’ve spent a large part of my family life, mainly outside of my home, being raised in meanness. Second, I’m learning to own my sh*t. I do this by asking myself a series of questions that include (but are not limited to) the following: With regard to a respective issue, am I moving in integrity or being messy?
Do I feel powerless and so being messy makes me feel like I am doing something?
Am I being messy because I don’t know how to make a direct ask?
Am I being a mean girl out of envy and/or fear?
Am I being mean because I believe you can help me but won’t?
After owning my sh*t, I own it some more by asking more questions. These are about interpersonal relationships:
Is there something going on between me and someone else that I don’t know how to handle? Why do they feel comfortable talking about other people in front of me? What can I do to change that?
Am I a people pleaser who struggles to speak up because I’m caught up in feeling liked?
Within work contexts, I have to take the questioning one step further. I have to ask questions about what’s going on with me and the organization. Am I being a mean girl at work for any of these reasons:
I feel slighted in one way or another
I feel unseen, unappreciated, unsupported
I feel overwhelmed
I am struggling with accepting the shift in power
I want a leadership position or more power
By actually owning the real issues, I have been able to create healthier ways of solving problems, ways that do not include backbiting and other toxic behaviors.
But I don’t do this alone. I speak with my therapists and talk with mentors. I don’t do it impulsively. I journal and spend time alone reflecting on the outcomes I want, as well as my own power in the situation. Within my own company, I have run up against problems coordinating teams of contractors. Talk about messy! I was the biggest problem because I didn’t know how to coordinate teams effectively. So that led to more reading on leadership and building teams. That led to professional development opportunities where I have had to spend time with CEOs and Executive Directors who are modeling and building the kind of environment I want in my organization. And that led to a building a career that is invested in helping other companies transform from a culture of mean behavior to spaces that foster growth, community and benevolence towards one another.
How are you and/or your organization working to make business about strong relationships and not cut-throat behavior?
Lesson Three: Your business is a movement
You can sell a product or you can start a movement. That’s what Simon Sinek taught us in his groundbreaking book Start with Why. Our why “is the purpose, cause or belief that drives every organization and every person’s individual career. Why does your company exist? Why did you get out of bed this morning? And why should anyone care?”
Many of us start businesses or go to work to earn a paycheck. But money, according to Sinek, is not a “why,” it's a result. The real reason we go to work, for example, is because we want to provide for our children and give them a quality life. Or, the real reason we started that company is because, in the workforce, we had to choose between caring for our children and providing for them, so we started a business that allowed us to do both. Or, the real reason we chose to write that book was because we had a story in us about doing or surviving something impossible, and it wouldn’t let us rest until we told it.
Often, our whys are so deeply human, that they call out to others, and they move people to act. People rally around the mission and become ambassadors, loyal followers of the brand, and they make purchases. The purchase is the result of being connected to the brand. I know this from experience. I fell in love with Apple after I watched two commercials from them: 1984 and Think Different. Of course, I watched both years— and in the case of 1984, decades— after they originally aired. But once I saw them, I switched from the brand I was using and replaced all my devices with Apple products. Why? Because buying Apple made me feel as if I was part of something bigger than myself. If you have seen those two commercials, you know this: At no point did they try to sell you a computer. Instead, they introduced you to an idea that either resonated with you or not. The commercials were an invitation to join troublemakers, risk takers and dreamers around the world.
Is your company doing that? As a small business owner or manager or director, are you doing that? Are you creating a culture and environment where work is about something bigger than any one person but everyone is proud to contribute his or her time and talents? As an employee, are you passionate and inspired by doing that thing that happens to also bring you income? And as an entrepreneur are you excited, feel blessed, and get a rush from the problems you are solving every day? If not, ask yourself why?
Lesson 4: Turn your gossip into sponsorship
There’s a 2019 article written in TIME about gossip. In it, we are told this: “People tend to think of gossip as synonymous with malicious rumors, put-downs or the breathless propagation of a tabloid scoop. But researchers often define it more broadly: as ‘talking about people who aren’t present.’” According to the author, Megan Robbins, an assistant professor of psychology at The University of California-Riverside, contrary to common misconception, gossip isn’t inherently bad. “‘It’s something that comes very naturally to us’ — an integral part of conversation, information sharing and even community building.” Gossip—both the good and the bad—may in fact be a necessary and important social activity. As we think about building spaces and communities rooted in quality relationships, we have to also think about the role gossip plays in either bringing people together or tearing us apart.
For example, what are we saying about our sisters when they are not present? And why are we speaking their names? Are we doing it from a place of envy and competition, belittling and diminishing our sisters and lifting up ourselves in the eyes of others? Or are we exalting other women, leveraging our influence on their behalf, working to remove barriers and create opportunities for them even when it doesn’t directly serve us?
Within work contexts, influential people called sponsors advocate for and leverage their power on behalf of others. Men often advance into higher positions because they are more likely to have access to sponsors than women. Regardless of whether or not one is in the workplace, the concept of women sponsoring women is a worthwhile one. It can be used as a strategy to help close the wealth gap, assist an entrepreneur in her time of need, expand networks so that more opportunities can be created, and to ensure new products and services are being marketed to the right people.
Using our influence or voice on behalf of others not only benefits the person we are speaking up for, it benefits the person doing the speaking. For one, it positions the sponsor as someone who is serious about the advancement of women. For two, when she uses her voice on behalf of women who then make good on her word, she establishes a reputation as someone connected to “good people.” People trust her and her networks more.
I am working on cultivating a practice of lifting up the names of the women around me, when they are absent from the room. I am making a conscious effort to endorse their skills, talents and gifts when they are not looking. In an effort to build thriving relationships and business ties, are you willing to commit to the same?
Lesson 5: Build a relationship of trust…with yourself
I always tell people that Covet: The Disrespectful Health and Wellness Journal was the book that I never intended to write, but it ended up being exactly what I needed.
After more than five years of struggling with losing the 80+ plus pounds I had gained from writing and completing my last years of graduate school, building a startup and fighting to hold on to my sanity in a period of chaos and toxicity in my romantic relationship, I had finally worked off half of that unwanted weight. But with the stress of buying new property and scaling my business, I gained it all back— and more. (I had been an emotional eater. And I was dealing with a whole lot of emotions.)
For months, I tried to rebuild the discipline and habits that had gotten me results. But I couldn’t. Something inside of me just wouldn’t recommit. And then, the book came out. I had written it for a pilot health and wellness program that we were running at the time. The women who participated showed up regularly, but over time — when they had really gotten into “the thick of things” — they struggled to remember their reason for sending themselves through so much discomfort. They were up early in the morning, three times a week, doing jumping jacks, all kinds of lunges, planks, squats, and whatever other fun and good bullsh*t the instructor came up with. The more challenging things became, the more I worried that they’d stop showing up because the mind-body connection was wavering. I wrote Covet so that, during this process, their mental toughness grew right alongside their physical strength and stamina. But when the program ended and when the book was sent off to be revised, designed and printed, I lost my way.
After several months, we had completed the book. It had been published, and a few copies were sitting on my desk. Frustrated, desperate and tired, I began journaling in one. I opened the book and skipped right to the diagram that asked me to measure how much I trust myself to reach my health and wellness goals. I don’t know why I went there, but something told me to start with answering that question. I answered honestly, just to discover that I didn’t trust myself at all. I was shocked, hurt, somewhat embarrassed, and I felt a little defeated. I thought to myself, “How are you not going to trust yourself with myself, Sagashus?” I doubted my ability to manage what I ate. I didn’t think I’d workout consistently without someone (other than me) dragging me out of my bed. And I didn’t trust myself, overall, to show up for me. That realization became a new challenge for me. One that I couldn’t and didn’t ignore. Taking it one day, step, and bite at a time, I have made it my mission to build a relationship with myself, and to make showing up for me the standard.
Recently, I was looking at an old interview between Oprah Winfrey and Iyanla Vanzant. In it, Vanzant had explained this to Winfrey (and I’m paraphrasing): “When my cup is full, whatever is in it, belongs to me. Whatever flows from it— the overflow— is for others.” By building a relationship rooted in showing up for myself, by becoming full of trust and commitment to the things that I say matter most to me and by walking out my values, the confidence and trust that overflows from that, I can share with others.
Can you say the same? Are your business relationships a reflection of your inability to trust yourself with yourself or are they a reflection of that overflow?
Lesson 6: Don’t send your representative…show up as yourself
In 2017, I was the opening speaker for the Women’s March in Madison. That speech began with these words:
“Where and how do I enter this space? The expectation is for me to stand here and deliver a speech that highlights the ways in which white women failed this country on November 8, 2016. Some expect me to say, ‘While you, white women, were driving around with bumper stickers saying ‘I’m with her,’ 94% of black women and 63 percent of Latina women who voted were at the polls VOTING for her. Only 47% of you showed up.”
Someone in the crowd started to boo me. I was nervous, but kept going.
“...Today, I am standing at the intersection of many identities: black, bald-headed, full-figured, single mother of six children (with four different dads), poor…PhD candidate, entrepreneur…woman. Which one shall I channel for this occasion? Which part of me is welcomed here? Who shall I evoke? Who shall I leave behind?...Which one of me doesn’t need healthcare, an equal and sustainable wage, clean air and water. To ask me to choose is a trick question. It’s to vote against myself. It’s to amputate parts of me in favor of an agenda that is not interested in all of me. That is unwise.”
Everyone around me grew quiet. One hundred thousand (100,000) people cascaded from where we stood. And I had the full attention of everyone who could hear my voice.
Why? How was I able to transform what began as rejection and resentment into acceptance, or at least some form of respect? By the time I had made it home, my inbox was overflowing with messages. We had thousands of visitors to our website. And within a few weeks, that speech had been translated into at least one other language: German. Prior to delivering it, I went on Facebook and asked people what topics should I include. What was important to them? I incorporated as much feedback as possible. It was a speech for women by women. And yet, if I delivered the same message using only data, statistics and accusations, I’m not sure it would've had the same effect.
I think the key to that speech and all the talks I try to deliver is that I show up as a person— no pretense, no fuss or frills, no gimmicks…and no manipulation. When I am on any stage, I am naked before the audience, on full display, not as an exhibitionist or as some kind of drama porn. Exposing myself is neither about self flagellation nor is it about some kind of intellectual masturbation. Instead, I make myself completely vulnerable in the most relevant and impactful way that I can because I know that it is easier to receive the message if you trust me. It is about hospitality— being received by organizers and the audience and then, in return, receiving them back. My time in front of people is short, one to two hours. I don’t have days, weeks or months to build bonds in order for them to hear or even believe me. I have minutes, maybe even seconds. And so, I show up transparent, open and without any weapons or armor, not as a strategy but in service of the people there to receive a message.
At some point, I always cry— as much as I hate it, as much as I try to fight it, after almost a decade of doing this work, I break down. It’s inevitable. And I’ve come to embrace it. What I bring to the table is often so raw and so unprocessed, and it is so specific to the mission I am called to follow through with, that I can’t help but get emotional as I stand there, exposed, for everyone to see. At some point, we laugh. At another point, we evoke those who have come before us, the ones who have made us and this moment possible. And at other points in the talk, we explore numbers, research…and facts. But throughout it all, my one goal, my main objective is to establish a human-to-human connection so that the message can be received, so that I can serve effectively.
Each time, I leave the stage—often after a standing ovation— to lines of people waiting to buy whatever books we have on the table. Both the standing ovation and the lines ALWAYS surprise me, mainly because I don’t do anything fancy. I don’t dance, sing or scream. I don’t get loud or move around much. I just show up as I am— well prepared, always anxious and struggling with a full-on anxiety attack (hiding under tables, crouching by toilets…and everything else that comes with it) prior to getting on the stage, but always honest, open and raw.
Recently, I gave a talk. As one of the women who had been standing in one of those long lines stood in front of me, I asked her the question that I often ask when I am signing books: What did you enjoy about the talk? And why are you interested in making this purchase? I ask this because it gives me information that I can use to personalize the inscription. Her response? “Other people say they are authentic speakers. But they really aren’t. You don’t say it, but you really are authentic. In telling your story, I felt like you were telling mine.”
Are your interactions with people at work or in business performances or real? Are you sending your representative or are you showing up each day ready to make genuine connections through business? Or are your encounters transactional?
Lesson 7: Say YES!
In 2015, Shonda Rhimes— my writing bestie and mentor (It doesn’t matter that she doesn’t know that I exist — she will) — published a book called Year of Yes: How to Dance It Out, and Stand in the Sun and Be Your Own Person. In it, she wakes up on her birthday and realizes that, for a year, she is going to say yes to anything that scares her because for far too long, she’s been saying “no” to life— outside writing— and she was no longer happy. The rest of the books she takes us on all of her adventures— the scary fun rides that come with all of her yesses. And By 2016, I was living out my own “year of yes.”
We had just launched Infamous Mothers. Thanks to a very public (and successful crowdfunding campaign— couldn’t have done it without the support of people from Madison to Germany, thank you all, again, sincerely) — we not only reached our goal, our very small startup had gained a lot of attention. People all over the state of Wisconsin (and beyond) had invited us to do all kinds of things from TEDx talks to consulting to coaching to providing full-on programming. And I said yes to it all. I said yes to stepping out of my comfort zone. I said yes to doing things I never thought I could do. I stretched and bent…and grew.
As much as I thought that year was about me, in hindsight, looking back at it now, it really was about saying yes to serving others. The result was my blossoming. Until this day, that year remains both the most challenging roller coaster ride and the best 12 months of my life.
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About the blogger
Dr. Sagashus Levingston is an author, entrepreneur and PhD holder. She has two fur babies, Maya and Gracie, six children (three boys and three girls), and they all (including her partner) live in Madison, WI. She loves all things business, is committed to reminding moms of their power, and is dedicated to playing her part in closing the wealth gap for people of color and women. She believes that mothering is a practice, like yoga, and she fights daily to manage her chocolate intake. The struggle is real, y’all…and sometimes it’s beautiful.
Follow her on Instagram and Facebook @drsagashus