Eight Low-Key Lessons on Accomplishing the Impossible: “Their Limitations Ain’t Got Nothin’ to Do with You”
The first time I told someone that I coach women—especially mothers—on how to accomplish impossible things, he was stumped. The expression on his face told me everything he was thinking: “If it’s impossible, it can’t be done, right? So how can you help people create strategies on fulfilling something that is unachievable?” It was a contradiction to him. Had he been brave or bold enough to verbalize his thoughts, I would have simply asked this: Impossible for whom?
So much of my life has been spent doing things that others have decided can’t be done. A large part of my life has been spent rejecting and ignoring the limitations that others have worked really hard to place on me as a way to reinforce their own beliefs that “it” cannot done.
During that time, I have discovered that I have several go-to strategies.
Strategy 1: Watch and read sci-fi
In graduate school, I wanted to write a dissertation about mothers who had been seen, in fiction and nonfiction, as “infamous” but also managed to become heroes. I was interested in stories about moms who were stigmatized or seen as outcasts — single moms, people who abused drugs, sex workers, strippers, etc. — but were also the women who ended up leading movements, overthrowing an evil regime…and/or breaking some cycle in their family or community. What I discovered was this: While these stories existed, they were represented in literature far and few in between. Here is what that representation often looked like: At the end of a memoir or piece of fiction, these mothers overcame crack, survived human trafficking…or quit the adult entertainment industry. They were able to “save” themselves, but very few people were imagining them as women capable of saving anyone else. They surely couldn’t see them as being powerful or smart enough to save the world.
The thing about fiction is this: it’s unreal, but it has to be believable. For it to be believable, it has to be as close to “reality” as possible. Usually, it maintains the racism, sexism, elitism, classism…or homophobia that our culture is accustomed to. It reflects the conditions of the time. What that really means is that it reflects commonplace ideas that, as a society we’ve come to accept and promote, ignoring all the examples that contradict those understandings.
Science fiction is different. Through it, authors can challenge what Chimamada Ngozi Adichie refers to as “the single story.” In her TED talk called “The Danger of a Single Story,” Adichie tells us this: “Power is the ability not just to tell the story of another person, but to make it the definitive story of that person.” American culture is powerful enough to convince us that single moms are the reason for poverty or that households led by black women equal the emasculation of black men and boys. It is strong enough to convince us that that the heroes are white and that “the help” are people of color. And we “drank the Kool-Aid.” Even when we are presented with evidence of the contrary, we doubt what we see and hear because it messes with our ideas of what can and cannot be. Science fiction is one of few spaces where we allow ourselves to accept the contradictions because, unlike fiction, it doesn’t represent reality as we know it.
In it, new worlds and systems are imagined and created — worlds that are completely different from our normal. Alternate realities are presented. We expect sci-fi (and fantasy) to offer us settings that are strange and unfamiliar: single moms as saviors of a nation, survivors of domestic violence taking on villains…and former addicts becoming philanthropists. In this genre, we look for outcomes that break through the boundaries of our single stories.
New possibilities are often placed in front of us because at the core of all science fiction is this question: What if? What if we lived in a world where women and men earned equal pay? What if black women in business received the same amount of venture capital funding as white men? What if we all had healthcare in the United States? What will the story look like then?
Live in the world of “what if” long enough, and we may find ourselves doing things that people in the “real” world may see as impossible. Spend enough time in those other galaxies, and defying odds just might be our new normal. And when the reality of this world tries to place limitations on us, we may come to realize that we can create, be and do to the extent that our minds and efforts allow us. We may see unlikely heroes around us, everywhere. And for people of color, women, and family structures that challenge mainstream ideas of what should and shouldn’t be, science fiction can be both affirming and inspiring.
Strategy 2: Watch Beyonce…behind the scenes
If you want to be entertained and get lost in the moment, watch Beyonce’s music videos or listen to her songs. But if you want to be inspired or gain new tips and strategies on doing something impossible, look at what she’s doing behind the scenes.
It’s not enough to consume and take in the products of great people. We have to learn the processes of greatness. Recently, I was in a meeting with a team of women I have contracts with. And one of those women shared her screen. She said, “I’m about to show you how the sausage is made.” Of course, she wasn’t talking about an actual sausage. She was referring to a set of automations she had been hired to build. It was fascinating and confusing, all at once. I was overwhelmed. Often, we do not want to see how the “sausage” is made because we may be grossed out by what goes into it. We’d rather eat and be oblivious. I think it’s like that with processes. Often, we don’t want to understand the process that leads to greatness because it “blows our high.” It takes something that seems so sexy or so good and turns it into something that is tedious, painful, and hard.
And yet, if we shift our minds to see processes as the true adventures and choose to fall in love with them, we’ll find ourselves elevated to new heights. Yes, learning how to make the sausage may inspire you to become a vegan. (Is that the worst thing that can happen to you? Probably not.) But it can also make you appreciate the outcome so much more. Studying “the how” of those we consider to be among the greats can reveal to you beautiful inner workings of the impossible things you dream about.
Who’s doing something similar to what you are looking to accomplish? What do you know about their “how”?
Strategy 3: Surround yourself with the people who are where you want to be
If you want to become a millionaire, hang around millionaires. Breathe them in, their stories, habits, knowledge and experiences. A lot of times, we are intimidated by what we want to become. We’re afraid to own our big thoughts, afraid to write them down, and afraid to say them out loud. And when we see a real-life person being and doing what we imagine for ourselves, we fumble the opportunity. We fangirl or become envious, or we avoid them because we believe it could never be us. Fortunately, being surrounded by those you admire doesn’t have to start with physical proximity.
It can start with your thoughts and imagination. Some years ago, a friend of mine said something I will never forget. She asked me to imagine women that I admire. Off the top of my head, I thought about Oprah, Shonda Rhimes and Michelle Obama. She then said, “They are not better than you.” Her words felt like blasphemy. Ignoring my shock, she continued. “They are great women. Yes! And so are you. Get comfortable with imagining yourself having lunch with them, having tea with them, being in the same room with them.” Doing that felt like the kind of leap of faith that comes with walking on water. It feels unreasonable, insane and impossible. It feels haughty and “biggity.” And yet, it was the kind of challenge that I couldn’t deny. Afterall, if I couldn’t hold a conversation with them in my head, where could we talk? Over time, just by imagining a friendship and connection with these women, my own behaviors started to change. My world, interests, and conversations expanded. My goals grew bigger, and my real-life relationships began to include people that I once avoided or struggled to keep company with because I thought they were better than me.
On the flip side, as much as I admired these women, in our imagined conversations, I had gotten comfortable enough to disagree with them on certain points, allowing me to gain more clarity on my own position and personal brand development. I was no longer “fangirling.” In my head, we had become peers, familiar enough to drop facades and to hold real, honest conversations. Doing so, I began to grow as a thinker, mom, coach and entrepreneur. Equally important, I started to gain the confidence I needed to disagree with great thinkers and people of power in my real-life circles. My honest contributions mattered, and I did all of us a disservice when I shrunk in the magnificence of others.
To have these conversations with the Oprah’s of the world, I had to do more reading — a lot more. For one, I had to study their ideas, challenges and triumphs. I wanted to know more about their solutions to problems. For two, I wanted to be a smarter entrepreneur and leader. Several times, I’ve read that CEOs of major companies read over 50 books a year. That's about one book a week. The average American reads about 12 books a year. That’s one book a month. Leaders of industries are reading four times the amount of the general population. They’re reading to stay current in their field, but they’re also gaining knowledge about politics, social issues, global concerns and more. Savvy business leaders know that if they want to do good, they have to do well. In other words, if they want their companies to succeed, they have to be invested in making their communities, nation and world a better place. As owners of young startups, it may be difficult to understand how to build a company that does both. That’s why it’s important to read about the stories of CEOs who have successfully balanced the two. It’s important to keep company with them through interviews, TED talks, and/or their social media.
If you’re anything like me, your mind might be still lingering in the previous paragraph, wondering how it is possible for anyone to read over 50 books a year, especially a business leader. As a mom of six, business owner, writer, and as someone living with ADHD, my secret is this: less television, less social time and a whole lot of audio books. In addition to listening to memoirs, science fiction and novels, I also listen to audio books that focus on business and leadership; diversity, equity and inclusion; critical race theory; and I listen to works on and about feminism. I do this while I cook, meal prep and clean. I do this, sometimes, when I walk on the treadmill. Depending on the task, I do it while I work. And I do it when I feel alone and need some inspiration or when I feel inexperienced and lost as a CEO and leader. These founders, innovators, problem solvers and trailblazers have become my mentors, even though I’ve never met them.
Who do you want to surround yourself with? What books have they written? How can you start “keeping company” with them?
Strategy 4: Burn the Bridge
Some bridges have to be burned. Plan b is one of them. Consider this example from my own life. When I left Chicago for Madison to earn my PhD, I was leaving behind section 8. No one leaves section 8— not by choice. I mean, people leave it, but it’s not something that happens lightly— kind of like people not leaving the military lightly (but not really) or leaving academia after getting tenure. Section 8 often means a consistent roof over one’s head, regardless of the quality. It’s a “safety net” that, in many cases, can be passed onto the next generation. For many, that may be the best and only inheritance their parents will be able to offer them.
I knew that if I tried to maintain my stay in “the complex,” as we called, in whatever way that I could— legal or not—I would be jeopardizing my mission. On a day when things may have gotten too rough, when finances got too tight, when I dealt with one too many microaggressions, when I felt unsafe on too many occasions, I would be tempted to cross that bridge. And so, when I was ready enough, I burned it. I announced to the “front office” (the main office) of my housing complex that I was moving to Madison, WI, and that I wouldn’t be coming back. Because my particular section 8 was location based— meaning it was confined to that housing complex and couldn’t be ported anywhere else— when I left, my voucher stayed with the property for the next person to use.
For the first time, I would be paying market rent — on my own. As I suspected, there were many months where I struggled. I had cars that broke down. The refrigerator was empty at different moments. Our lights were cut off a few times. On top of all that, I still had to pay my rent. Since I had burned the bridge, I had no place to go but forward.
I’ve completed my PhD. I’ve published some books. And yet, I still practice that same approach as an entrepreneur. I don’t have a backup job or career. I am a full-time business owner. To stay in business, I’ve had to pivot and tweak my strategies. As the GPS would say, I’ve had to “re-route” a few times, but there is no plan b.
What bridges do you need to burn?
Strategy 5: Establish your (hypo)thesis
You want to get someplace you’ve never been, accomplish a goal that is beyond your current circumstances, but you can’t help but wonder: How can you think on a level that is beyond your understanding? People often say, “You can’t give what you don’t have.” That may be true. So let me explain to you how to go get it.
Remember what I shared earlier: “Surround yourself with people who are where you want to be.” Those people have done it before— whatever the “it” is you’re looking to get to. They have roadmaps that can give you insight. So read, read, read…watch, watch, watch… and listen, listen, listen.
Next, invent YOUR strategy. Wise people learn from other people’s failures. You’ve done your homework. You have an idea of what works, and you know what doesn’t work. With that information, imagine what it would take to get from where you are (here) to where you want to go (there), and then test your hypothesis. It’s only by trial and error that you will be able to transition from theory to fact. You’re going to feel awkward, weird and like a fish out of water because the truth is all of that may be the case. It was definitely the case for me.
My strategy for building my brand was deeply rooted in building relationships with nonprofit leaders and their end users. I had no idea if it would work. I didn’t know any of the people I was reaching out to, and I had no concrete evidence that it would lead to anything successful. But like a scientist, I did some research and put forth what I believed to be the best route to get me to where I was trying to go, and every step of the way either proved or disproved that my strategy was correct. I would come back home and record my findings, change up some “equations,” and go back out to do more testing. What I discovered was always valuable. For example, I wanted to partner with at least ten YWCA’s around the country. I researched the ones that seemed like a good fit, and I made cold calls. In some cases, I leveraged connections here in Madison to make introductions on my behalf to leaders in other cities. What I discovered was that some of those locations didn’t have the infrastructure to offer the kind of programming I was looking to provide, some did. The point was this: By testing my hypothesis, I was able to refine my approach.
Over time, the refinement allowed me to transition from theory (hypothesis) to an argument (thesis) that I had gathered data and evidence for and could back up what had become my strategy for building business to business relationships and getting new clients. I can’t believe that that was almost seven years ago. And here we still stand. The takeaway message is this: When pursuing a dream, you don’t need to know everything about the journey ahead. Do your research, create a hypothesis, and test it until you have something proven.
Strategy 6: Step up your coping game
I often hear motivational speakers say things like “do it afraid,” “push through,” “don’t give up,” etc. And I agree with them. One of the things I wished I had heard more about was the importance of coping.
Speaking metaphorically, for every mountain, there’s a mountain lion waiting “in the cut.” As we climb, we often focus on the alp’s height. We think about the amount of energy, strength and endurance it takes to make it to the top. But we seldom imagine those journeys as dangerous. Yes, we often fear the trek, mainly because we worry about failing. We may even recognize that what we’re doing is a risk; intuitively, we feel the danger. And yet, we don’t allow ourselves to sit in it. We don’t fully play out in our minds the cold and hungry nights ahead, the avalanches and near-death experiences on the way to the top. We don’t even fully take in the loneliness of the climb. We don’t allow ourselves to really anticipate the depth of jealousy, envy and resentment that our small wins (and big ones) can trigger in the people we admire and love the most. In other words, we don't think about the trauma that comes with success--what condition we may be in once we arrive at our destination.
And since we don’t fully embrace the journey as dangerous— emotionally, mentally, or physically— we don’t have a coping plan in place that matches our needs at best, and at worst doesn’t sabotage the mission. When I started graduate school, I was so out of my comfort zone. I didn’t know that I had ADHD, and so I internalized my struggle with reading and focus as being someone who “couldn’t get right.” I wasn’t a quitter. I wasn’t going to drop out. My plan was to get put out or to create a situation that would make it unrealistic for me to stay. I became reckless.
I started going home to Chicago, staying there for days — maybe even weeks — at a time, missing class. I ended up pregnant with my fourth child. Surely, someone would’ve told me that there was no place for a pregnant woman in my program, and that I would have to leave— not openly because, you know, that’s illegal. But I was thinking they would’ve made the environment a hostile place for me. And when most people didn’t (because the ones that had no real power did), I fell behind on the rent, telling campus housing that I couldn’t pay it because I had given it to my “drug-dealing boyfriend to flip.” If the baby wasn’t going to get me put out, then that story would, right? Nope. The people in leadership responded with, “Sounds like you don’t need to go back to Chicago. Here’s a payment plan.” Because I couldn’t cope with the demands that came with fulfilling my dream of becoming a doctor, I turned to sex and revisited relationships that wouldn’t help me get where I was going. I was fortunate that people didn’t let me ruin my journey before it had really even gotten started. Without them, my life would be very different. I recognize that.
Over time, I had to come to terms with the fact that I don’t choose molehills as goals. I choose Everest. That means that I have to have a coping plan just as big. That plan includes journaling, therapy, walking, venting to friends, a lineup of television shows for the days I need to checkout, some chocolate (but in moderation these days)...and hanging with the greats.
What’s your coping plan? And is it as robust as your dream?
Strategy 7: Invest in your journey
In undergraduate and graduate school, every time I received a refund check after income taxes, I had a choice: Buy furniture or invest in a professional organizer? Travel and party or invest in some wealth training? Spend money on clothes or invest in audiobooks?
To be honest and fair, everything to the left of the “or” I had already done. And over time, I had nothing to show for them. The furniture legs would be broken and the fabric ripped off my new couches. While I enjoyed the trips or the few parties I attended, I often spent more than I could afford and suffered behind that. I fell behind on bills, struggled to keep food in the refrigerator, and was constantly low on gas. But when I started investing in my growth and development as a graduate student or mother or early entrepreneur — by hiring coaches, paying for books, going to therapy, hiring a cleaning company — I saw the return on my investment over and over again. I saw it in the peace of my home, in the increase of my bottom line and in my ability to scale my business.
We live in a DIY culture. YouTube and Google is filled with so much knowledge and information that is accessible and easy to use. I learn tons from both and use them everyday. But sometimes I need more. I need community. I need an instructor to guide me and to answer my questions. Sometimes I need to just hire someone to do the task for me. I need my coach and my therapist. Having access to so much information and resources have, for many people, created a different kind of imbalance. It offers the kind of security that encourages us to believe we can do any and everything on our own. And, in most cases, we can, but at what cost? We’re saving money, but are we saving time? We’re saving money, but how much energy are we spending doing so? What is the real cost of too much DIY?
Recently, I heard something on social media. A man said, and I am paraphrasing: “We think that the most important resource we have today is money. But if I offered you a million dollars today, and told you that you’d die tomorrow, which would you prefer? If I offered you a million dollars today in exchange for cancer, which would you prefer? If I offered you a million dollars today, in exchange for ending all of your friendships and relationships, which would you prefer?” In less than a minute, he had reminded me that time, health and relationships are higher on my priority list than money. I invest in books, services and equipment that I need because, over time, those investments pay off in the places that really matter.
I also invest in quality experiences, things and companies. Yes, I do believe that you get what you pay for. But equally important, I know there is a wage and wealth gap between black and white people, as well as between women and men. I take my business to companies looking to address this issue, for example. I’ll put my dollars behind things that remind me of power, intelligence and beauty at moments when remembering these can change outcomes in my wallet or mental health.
How are you investing in yourself today? And what are the outcomes of those choices? How are they getting you closer to accomplishing your impossible task?
Strategy 8: Keep going
In the middle of everything monumental that I have ever done, I have stopped and wondered, “What the f*ck was I thinking?” At some point, the journey gets messy and overwhelming and confusing. It gets lonely and cold. It takes you away from everything and everybody you love. Relationships end. People die.
Keep going.
It sounds harsh, but I am writing from a place of empathy and experience. My first years as a graduate student, a few people I cared about passed away. The year I purchased my home, seven people in my life died in one month. And during a period when I met some of my steepest and craziest financial goals, five people in my family passed away, including an aunt that was like a mom to me, and my father who I loved so very deeply. I struggled badly with these losses. Some of them hurt so much that I am still working through them in my therapy sessions.
Some of these losses made me go through existential crises, forcing me to ask, “What's the meaning of all this?” I had been working hard to build a life that was meant to make my aunt and dad’s older years more comfortable on this earth, just for them to be taken away before I could finish the mission. But through prayer, I had to realize that as much as I wanted to do “this” for them, the work still mattered, and it wasn’t in vain.
What you’re doing matters. Your success matters, even to the people who have turned away. It matters to the legacy of those who are no longer here. You are solving a problem that only you can solve the way that you’re solving it because you’re you. I had to learn that greatness doesn’t exempt you (or me) from difficulty. In fact, the minute we answer “the call,” for many of us, our real troubles begin. But respond anyway…and keep going. Yes, you will get wounded and hurt along the way. And you will also be transformed. You are on a hero’s quest, and you have something to bring back. So push through until you make it to the end of your impossible task. No matter what happens, it will not be in vain.
Keep going.
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About the blogger
Dr. Sagashus Levingston is an author, entrepreneur and PhD holder. She has two fur babies, Maya and Gracie, six children (three boys and three girls), and they all (including her partner) live in Madison, WI. She loves all things business, is committed to reminding moms of their power, and is dedicated to playing her part in closing the wealth gap for people of color and women. She believes that mothering is a practice, like yoga, and she fights daily to manage her chocolate intake. The struggle is real, y’all…and sometimes it’s beautiful.
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