Sex, Power and Mental Health: The “Dirty-Girl Effect” (Part 3)
Welcome to the third and final installment of the “dirty-girl effect” series. Two weeks ago, I introduced the idea of the dirty-girl effect. In short, I defined it as a process of “dirtying” that women experience in their private and public lives as a result of sexism and patriarchy. While the initial post focused on dirtying within the context of sex, the second post focused on it within the context of ambition in the workplace, academia and/or entrepreneurial spaces.
In both posts, I connected dirtying to mental health: depression and stress, for example. And in both posts, I also connected it to crime and physical harm against women. I admit that the messaging of the last two weeks has been heavy, in part because dirtying is painful. But the heaviness was also about the seriousness of the task.
For many, in these pieces, I am asking them to go on a journey with me that may challenge beliefs that they have held onto for a lifetime. I am challenging ideas that have long been a part of family cultures and the lore of communities. That’s serious. This week’s post is serious, as well. But it offers a hodgepodge of things: quotes that are meant to inspire and represent, lessons that are meant to empower, and mindset shifts that are meant to get you a little closer to freedom. My hope is that it blesses those who read it. Here is the last piece of the triad.
Consider this: Being called “fast,” while growing up, wasn’t about you. Some of you got called fast because the adults around you didn’t know how to teach you about your sexuality. Some were called fast because the only way they knew how to protect you from predators was by shaming you. Whatever the reason, the label had less to do with you and more to do with the people labeling you. Give yourself permission to wash away that title.
You deserve to experience sex on your terms.
You are worthy of pleasure.
Without apology, ask for what you want.
Sex is about many things: procreation, connection…and satisfaction. But it’s also about power and empowerment. Always check in with yourself during the act. Without judgment, ask yourself these questions: What am I getting from this experience? What am I offering? And what is it costing me? Is that price too high?
Question any system (or person) that tries to convince you that your labor is more important than your fulfillment. Wise people know that, for many people, your best work comes from doing things that bring you satisfaction and pleasure.
Ambition is about seeking fame, power, and status. But that’s only one definition. It is also about having “a strong desire to do or achieve something, typically requiring determination and hard work.” Shouldn’t we all be a little ambitious?
“You know how in Super Mario Brothers, Mario, with the help of Starman, will become temporarily invincible. You know how it supercharges him through every hurdle along the way?...That to me is the power of ambition.” -Alicia Menendez, author of The Likeability Trap
Fame, power and status are not dirty. They’re tools and resources. And like all tools and resources, we can use those things to do harm or do good. Don’t let people with their own agendas shame you for wanting more. Remember your mission. But more importantly, remember its impact.
Isn’t it strange how people rarely complain when your labor is in service to them, but they often complain when it’s in service to you and/or the things that matter to you? Ambition is one of those things that protects us from being exploited. It balances the scales.
Stop saying you’re faking it until you make it when it may be more accurate to say, “I make it until I make it.” Every day, many of you are showing up, solving problems, learning new things and doing the work that will get you closer to your goals. There’s nothing phony or fake about that. You’re making something out of nothing. You’re figuring it out. And so you are making it…until you make it. Own that. Let your confidence come from that.
Recognize that that little girl inside of you— the one that everyone dismissed, shamed, called fast, made feel dirty— has gotten you here. She’s a fighter. Stop pitying her. Celebrate her. (Inspired by Viola Davis’s memoir, Finding Me)
Reconcile the woman you were with the woman you are today. And then reconcile her with the woman you are looking to become. Do so gracefully and with compassion.
“How did I get here?…I walked every single painstaking step it took to get here, I spent decades learning, growing, planning, overcoming, strategizing, making intentional choices, taking calculated risks, and working hard— really, really hard— to get to this exact place.” -Shellye Archambeau, author of Unapologetically Ambitious
“Was it truly so amazing to think a Black woman could lead a multi-billion dollar company? I had worked at Xerox for twenty-nine years by then. I had a strong record. I was very well educated. I hadn’t been plucked from a circus sideshow. I had earned my position.” -Ursula M. Burns (former CEO of Xerox), author of Where You Are Is Not Who You Are
When you begin to question how you’ve gotten to where you are, channel your inner Shellye Archambeau and Ursula Burns. (See points 14 and 15.) You’re not a fraud or an imposter. You’re ambitious and you’ve done the work.
In his book Your Next Five Moves, Patrick Bet-David warns us: “The most dangerous unhappy people I’ve met are those who are both extremely ambitious and extremely lazy…These are people who think big and want to do something big, but they’re not willing to put in the work to earn it. They’ll cheat. They’ll throw you under the bus.” Beware of this person. They will dirty you with their gaslighting, unreasonable expectations, and scapegoating. They will shame you for doing “too much” and “too little” at the same time.
Recognize that there is an overlap between who you are in the bedroom and the boardroom that has nothing to do with sex but everything to do with your relationship with power: Are you standing up to “authority”? Are you getting “screwed”? Do you feel worthy?
We’re not property. Period. The men in our lives do not get to
“Me, too”…“and” it isn’t your fault.” These words are just as relevant today as they have ever been. Say them with intention and without apology. Utter them as needed, out loud and/or quietly, to yourself.
You survived. That means something. And you get to determine what that means.
Breathe through the climax. Enjoy it. Embrace it. For so many ambitious women, accomplishing a goal can be anticlimactic. That’s because we don’t take time to celebrate our wins—in the bedroom or the boardroom. Celebrate the win, Sis.
Stay Connected
If you like this blog post, share it on your social media or follow us on ours. If you want want to know more about Infamous Mothers, our products and services, and Infamous Mothers University (IMU), visit us at www.infamousmothers.com. If you want to know more about this blogger, read below.
ABOUT THE BLOGGER
Dr. Sagashus Levingston is an author, entrepreneur and PhD holder. She has two fur babies, Maya and Gracie, six children (three boys and three girls), and they all (including her partner) live in Madison, WI. She loves all things business, is committed to reminding moms of their power, and is dedicated to playing her part in closing the wealth gap for people of color and women. She believes that mothering is a practice, like yoga, and she fights daily to manage her chocolate intake. The struggle is real, y’all…and sometimes it’s beautiful.
Follow her on Instagram and Facebook @drsagashus