New Year, New Boundaries: “What You’re Not Going to Do Is…”
Introduction
“Don’t Play With Me”
Ever heard someone say, “Look here, what you’re not going to do is…”? I have a friend from Baton Rouge who has educated me on the art of, “You can’t let people play with you any kind of way.” And I have a sister-friend who will quickly put a halt to things with these words right here: “Wait a minute now!” Each of these people are setting boundaries and making them known. This week’s blog post is all about drawing lines in the concrete, “putting your foot down,” and protecting your peace. They’re about getting clear on boundaries.
New Year, New Boundaries
Women of the IMverse, welcome to the last weeks of January! This month, we have been embarking on an empowering blog series: “New Year, New…”. Week one, we covered New Year, New Routines. Week two was all about cultivating a new mindset. New Year, New Boundaries is our third installment, and it aligns with our first pledge, "I pledge not to be a martyr," from the Bad Girl Fit series. This year, we’re getting clear on what lines can and cannot be crossed. We are learning, establishing, and respecting boundaries as a step towards healing, empowerment, and not being the sacrifice in any aspect of our lives. Let’s go!
Understanding Boundaries
The Challenge of Unlearning
Listen. I don’t know about you, but I can tell you that part of my biggest struggle with creating boundaries was that they were so loose for many parts of my life growing up. For example, as a sign of affection, some family members pat us kids on the butt, even though it made us uncomfortable. We were forced to hug and kiss people — even when we didn’t want to. Adults overshared. Kids called each other names. Bullies bullied. We had very little say about what lines could and shouldn’t be crossed. I know I’m not alone. For many of us, some very important boundaries were not part of our foundational learning. We've witnessed our private spaces being invaded and our innocence encroached upon. People obsessed over our bodies. These experiences have left deep imprints, making the act of setting boundaries in adulthood a continuous challenge.
Why Boundaries Are Essential
Today, the word “boundaries” is being thrown around “like talking about it.” But what exactly does it mean and why should we care about them? According to a handout on personal boundaries from the University of California-Berkeley, boundaries are “the limits and rules we set for ourselves within relationships.” Now, get this, “A person with healthy boundaries can say ‘no’ to others when they want to, but they are also comfortable opening themselves up to intimacy and close relationships.” Consider this, for instance: If you are a people pleaser or someone who says ‘yes’ when you want to say ‘no,’ you, my friend, have a boundary issue. And it’s ok because you are in good company. Many of us struggle with drawing clear lines in the sand and protecting our peace.
And yet, setting boundaries is a skill worth mastering. They affirm our worth and reclaim our power. They are a commitment to our mental and emotional well-being and a crucial step in our journey of self-discovery and recovery.
Setting Boundaries as a Path to Healing
Recognizing and Respecting Personal Space
Physical boundaries are our first line of defense in reclaiming our bodies and spaces, meaning being vocal about our comfort levels and asserting our right to privacy. Remember the example I gave earlier about well-meaning adults patting me on the butt as a sign of affection? As an adult with boundaries, I have learned to shut that behavior down. Don’t touch my body, unless I give you permission. I teach my children the same thing. No one (including me) has the right to touch your body without permission— this includes hugging and kissing you or touching your hair (or any other body part) without your consent.
Emotional Boundaries for Empowerment
We work towards protecting our emotional health by choosing what we take on and learning to differentiate between support and over-involvement.
Again, I have struggled with this. As a black woman, I come from a culture that tells us to “lift as we climb,” “don’t sell out,” “don’t forget where you come from,” etc. And so, I’ve taken in family members when I wasn’t in the position to do so. I have allowed people to live with me without having a clear agreement about what they should bring to the table. And I have been in relationships where I didn’t know where I ended and they began because I felt so obligated to be a “good woman” and not give up on those around me, even when fighting for them meant my decline. There is so much guilt that can come with being the one who “made it.” Boundaries are about understanding how to safely support others on your terms without compromising your progress. They also about doing so without being weighed down by your choice.
Valuing Our Time and Energy
We strive to invest our time and energy in activities and relationships that nurture and uplift us, prioritizing self-care, our passions, and connections that respect and value us.
This right here, Sis. After all, if you are spending most of your time with people and things who make life unbearable, are you even living? Who needs all that misery? Again, you cannot be the sacrifice — not in 2024. With solid boundaries, you won’t be.
Sexual Boundaries: A Specific Focus
In addition to physical and emotional boundaries, sexual boundaries are a critical aspect of this conversation. They include clear consent, safe sex practices, personal comfort levels, emotional boundaries in intimate relationships, and open communication about sexual needs and limits.
Putting myself out there, yet again, I’ve had some wild experiences with this specific kind of boundary. I’ve been in situations where people have taken condoms off — WITHOUT MY PERMISSION. I’ve experienced moments of coercion, where men interested in me have tried to pressure and bully me into sex. And I have had partners who love-bombed and bullied their way into my heart and bed. These are all very tricky and sensitive situations that can have life-long consequences — STIs, unwanted pregnancies, and trauma. Understanding red flags, having clear conversations where you communicate expectations, and being uncompromising about what lines you will and won’t allowed to be crossed are some ways to keep yourself safe. It’s also important to educate your children about these things so that they will be less likely to be encroached upon or become people who do the encroaching.
Nurturing Boundaries in Mother-Child Relationships
Mothering brings a unique challenge: setting boundaries with our children. It's a delicate balance between nurturing and teaching them to respect limits, both ours and their own. These boundaries help in cultivating a child’s sense of respect, independence, and self-regulation, while also allowing us, as mothers, to maintain our sense of self and well-being.
As a single mom, setting boundaries have been, at times, difficult for me. Mommy guilt, overcompensating for an absent parent, and other issues have made setting boundaries hard. And yet, each time I failed to set them, I’ve done a disservice to both me and my children.
Setting Limits with Love
Our role as mothers is not just to provide care but also to guide and teach. Setting boundaries is a form of love; it helps children understand the world and their place within it. It's about clear, compassionate communication, setting expectations, and being consistent.
Leading by Example
Children learn from what we do, not just what we say. When we respect our own boundaries and assert our needs, we model healthy behavior for our children. This includes practicing self-care, respecting our own limits, and showing them how to treat others with respect.
Here is an example. When my children were younger, I worked a lot. My oldest daughter often cooked meals for them when I was unable to do so. One evening, I came home to her crying. When I asked her what was wrong, she said, “I cooked dinner for everyone else, and nothing was left for me to eat.” I realized in that moment that I needed to do two things: 1.) have a conversation with her about not being the family’s sacrifice and 2.) have that same conversation with myself. I had to be the example.
Mutual Respect
As we teach our children about boundaries, it's important to respect theirs. This mutual respect builds trust and understanding, reinforcing the importance of personal space and consent in all relationships.
In the "New Year, New Boundaries" journey, let's embrace the challenge of integrating healthy boundaries in our mother-child relationships. It's a step towards nurturing well-rounded, respectful individuals, while also taking care of our own needs and well-being.
Implementing New Boundaries in Our Lives
Communicating with Clarity and Confidence
As stated above, clear communication about our needs is key. It’s about expressing our boundaries respectfully and understanding that it's okay to have these conversations.
Embracing Self-Care as a Priority
Self-care is a vital part of setting boundaries. It's about giving ourselves permission to heal, rest, and grow. Be intentional about carving out time on your calendar to just take care of yourself — even if that means sitting in your car alone for half an hour, listening to music, and eating your favorite food.
Building a Supportive Community
Infamous Mothers x the Bad Girl Fit community supports, listens, and shares in this journey of setting and respecting boundaries. We’re on social media, in retreats and classes. Our voices, stories, and support are included in our journals and coffee table books. They are included in our blog posts. You are surrounded by a sisterhood, and within it are resources created with you in mind. Tap into them.
Overcoming Challenges
Addressing Past Traumas
Setting boundaries may bring up past traumas. Seeking support through therapy, community support groups, or trusted individuals is crucial.
This is a point that can’t be stressed enough. By learning to protect yourself through boundaries, you might find that you are becoming more vulnerable before you get stronger. And that’s ok. It’s often part of the process. As part of your strategy for creating boundaries, be kind to yourself. Listen for and identify triggers, things that “don’t feel right in your spirit,” and build the right kind of community around those sensitive parts of your journey.
Tackling Guilt and Resistance
Feeling guilty for asserting our needs is common, but setting boundaries is an act of self-love, essential for our well-being and growth.
People will shame you for not allowing them to have their way with your time, mind, heart, spirit, and body anymore. Learning how to be unapologetic in your journey of choosing what you say ‘no’ to is part of the experience.
Confronting Feelings of Powerlessness
Many of us may feel too powerless to establish boundaries, often stemming from past experiences where our autonomy was disregarded. And so we make compromises, like trading sex for companionship. Recognizing that reclaiming our power starts with small steps is essential. Every act of boundary-setting, no matter how small, is a step towards reclaiming your power.
Navigating the Line Between Selfishness and Self-Care
Understanding the Difference
A few times throughout this post, we’ve talked about self-care. Some of you may be wondering how is that different from being selfish. Here is a simple measure for an overwhelming and sensitive concern: Distinguishing between selfishness and self-care is about respecting our well-being and that of others, communicating our needs and limitations considerately.
Reflecting on Motivations
Reflect on motivations when setting a boundary – ensure they are to protect our mental and emotional health, not to manipulate or control.
Here is an example — and it’s a common one. If you are in an intimate relationship with someone, and you are choosing to not have sex with them, what are your intentions? Are you drawing a boundary for your mental health, or are you doing it as a form of using sex as power? Are you withholding because you are protecting yourself in one form or another— or because you are just not in the mood — or are you doing it to control someone else? Being mindful of how you are managing your boundaries will help you understand if you are practicing self care or being selfish.
Seeking Balance
Find a balance in your actions that benefit your well-being and respect others, understanding that healthy relationships involve give and take.
At times, this can be challenging. It requires constantly checking in with yourself, solid communication with the people in your life — including an awareness of their boundaries — and most of all, a clear sense of yours.
Conclusion
"New Year, New Boundaries" is more than a mantra; it's a commitment to building a life of respect and self-worth. Each step towards setting boundaries, even in the face of feeling powerless, is a step towards healing and empowerment. In line with our pledge not to be martyrs, we stand united in Infamous Mothers and through the Bad Girl Fit campaign on this journey of growth, transformation, and balanced self-care. Here's to a year of reclaiming our power, setting meaningful boundaries, and profound growth!
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Photo Credit: Chris Charles
ABOUT THE BLOGGER
Dr. Sagashus Levingston is an author, entrepreneur and PhD holder. She has two fur babies, Maya and Gracie, six children (three boys and three girls), and they all (including her partner) live in Madison, WI. She loves all things business, is committed to reminding moms of their power, and is dedicated to playing her part in closing the wealth gap for people of color and women. She believes that mothering is a practice, like yoga, and she fights daily to manage her chocolate intake. The struggle is real, y’all…and sometimes it’s beautiful.
Follow her on Instagram: @infamous.mothers