Pledge 5:

I pledge to walk with the people, things, and ideas I value, ensuring my actions align with what I say matters most to me. If they don’t, I commit to changing my actions, company, and thoughts or changing what I value.

Did I ever tell y’all about the time I dated a man for who I changed my whole life around? Yep. It took months to build the kind of discipline that allowed me to be in bed by 8:30 p.m. so that I could be up praying, writing, and working out by four or five in the morning. It took him being in my life only a few weeks for the whole thing to derail. Of course, he cheated on me. We broke up, and I never spoke to him again. More than ten years later, I’m just starting to get back on that schedule. But the problem wasn’t him. It was me. I remember thinking about the incident when it was still fresh. After a lot of deep reflection, I said to myself, “Sagashus, if your actions don’t align with your values, then you have to either change your actions or change what you say you value.”

After being completely honest with myself, my decision did align with my values. I wanted a partner. I valued having one and took the steps I thought would help me maintain the one I had. It pained me to admit that because if someone had asked me to write down my values, at the top of my list would’ve been caring for my children or accomplishing my academic and professional goals. Our relationship wouldn’t have been anywhere on that list. That’s because I was in denial. I thought admitting that I wanted to be loved and longed for support and companionship made me weak. But I was really in denial about the reality that I was settling. There was no need to include us on the list because my standards were so low that I was ashamed to face the truth: I was desperate, and my self-esteem was so low that I had traded my values for a warm body and some attention. You see, I valued respect, commitment, monogamy, and kindness. I valued service in a relationship, prayer, and attentiveness. But I didn’t think I was worthy of those things. And so, I compromised away my principles.

That experience taught me the importance of not taking my values for granted. It taught me not to assume that having principles and a standard of living guarantees that my actions align with them. That kind of synergy has to be intentional. And it taught me to be proactive about addressing inconsistencies. Being purposeful about putting energy behind what I value has been the key to helping me grow in self-worth and has been instrumental in creating a fulfilling life. Equally important, it has played a key role in helping me maintain my mental health. So now, let me ask: Are your actions aligning with what you value?