The Ambitious Mom’s Cheat Sheet (Part 2): Twenty-Three Reasons and Ways to Start Loving the Body You Have, Right Now
Photo Credit: Chris Charles Photography
In May and June 2023, I’ll be leading bold, sassy and transformative health and wellness retreats for entrepreneurs and “other ambitious” women. And while that was definitely a shameless plug, there is also a backstory, one that led me to writing this post.
Going through the process of designing and creating these events presented me with a challenge: What do I cut, and what do I keep? I am passionate about all things “women”: leadership, wealth, mothering, etc. And so, when I coach or lead sessions, I obsess over what lessons to share, content to create, and/or messages to impart. I ask myself: What sessions will make the most impact on the lives of the women who attend? What do they want and need to hear? What experience am I looking to create? And of course, I do the research, but the worry is always there.
I knew that I couldn’t remove the workshop on pleasure. We live in a society that shames women for being ambitious. They label us “power hungry” and “dirty.” Without even knowing it, many of us internalize these messages, some of us even back away from our goals. Those of us who do not tamper down our drive to succeed, we begin using our labor in service of everyone else but ourselves: our children, our parents, our partners…and our community. To prove we are not “bad” people, we downplay our own desire for comfort, satisfaction and pleasure, building and setting tables for everyone else, just to sit in the corner to watch them eat. And when they’re done, we cleanup behind them. We do all of this, while starving ourselves. As far as I was concerned, our women needed this workshop. It stayed on the list.
Here are two books that inspired the pleasure workshops. The first one is Please: Radical Self-Care for Wild Women of Color, by Black Girl Bliss. The second one is A Return to Pleasure: Reclaiming the Erotic As Holy + Integral to Our Aliveness After Trauma (Part One: Reconnect), by Rashida KhanBey Miller.
I struggled with whether or not I should keep the workshop on health and wealth because of its emphasis on sex. But when I saw, recently, that The Economist had published a special edition on sexual health, I knew that I couldn’t shy away from including sex in those retreats. The real confirmation, however, came during a conversation I was having with a woman about the events. Talking to her about what this workshop had to offer, I explained that it will be, in part, looking at the relationship between sexual trauma, self worth, racism…and our bottom lines. She cried. “You have no idea how much I need this. I’ve been going through some things about my daughter, how she was born, what I went through with her father, how she was conceived. And all of this effects how I feel about her and what I feel I’m worth.” That workshop had to stay…After hours of agonizing over the content, I decided to save the “body” workshop for another retreat. And yet, I couldn’t let it go altogether.
Confidence plays a huge role in growing wealth, negotiating deals, leading and making impact. It plays a huge role in how we manage relationships. And it plays a huge role in how we maintain our overall mental health while we do it all. My experience with coaching, teaching and speaking to women around the world has taught me that for many of us, our sphere of influence goes as far as our ability to appreciate what we see in the mirror.
Don’t believe me? Here is something to consider. It’s much more difficult for you to persuade someone to pay you what you’re worth when you don’t think you’re worth much. And even if you are able to secure that bottom line, what’s next? How will you spend it? If you are a people pleaser, for example, you will spend it on others. That’s not a bad thing. But it can become a dangerous habit when “buying love” supplants building dreams, for instance. I have been guilty of this, so I’m writing to myself as I write to you. Also, I spent a lot of my life on the “clearance rack,” so I know from experience what it’s like to try to put a value on your work when you haven’t found a way to value the person behind the work.
By working on my relationship with my body, I have also been able to expand my sphere of influence. And I wish the same for you. Below are some of the shifts I made in both behavior and mindset, and they are the same hacks that I offer to women in my paid coaching sessions. If I had more time, at the retreat, I would offer several sessions around this content. But since I don’t, and because these lessons are so deeply important to me and because you matter to me, I am sharing these hacks with you, dear readers. May they bless you as much as they have blessed my life.
Show your body acts of kindness, patience, grace and adoration. Speak life into your legs, arms and mouth. Affirm your hips, thighs and breasts. It’s acts of love that lead to feelings of love.
Learn how to trust yourself with yourself. Now that’s “a word.” Your kids, partners, the community and the world trust us to do and be everything for them. But do your trust yourself to do the same for you? Start showing up for you the same way you show up for everyone else. You deserve all that goodness.
Realize that not loving your own body is a risky endeavor.
Teach others how to care for your body. Lead by example.
Before you shed and shred those pounds, flatter those “rolls,” “love handles” and “FUPA.” Have fun with them before they go. Pay attention to them, dance with them, play with them. Send them off with love so that you can fully enjoy the next phase of your journey.
Sonya Renee Taylor told us this: “Your body is not an apology.” Please, stop treating yours like its offensive.
For some of us, the size we’re trying to get to is the size we once were…and we didn’t like ourselves then. (I’m just the messenger who’s been there and done it—no judgment.) That love we’re looking for isn’t going to come from the number on the scale or from the way our jeans hug our waist. So let’s not wait until then. Let’s fall in love with ourselves on the way. Let’s dress up, perfume, talk to, stretch, workout and honor the bodies we have now.
Every inch of your body has a story, history and something important to share. Uncover, listen to and own those stories. That scar, those stretch marks, that melanin has something to tell us.
That part of yourself that you can’t bear to look at, the part you avoid…needs you the most. It needs your patience and kindness.
“You are your best thing.” -Toni Morrison
No one more than you deserves your unconditional love.
Every day that you walk outside the door, you’re presenting the world with a gift. You are that gift. Handle yourself with care.
If the time to love someone the most is when they are at their lowest, then shouldn’t the same apply to your body? Love on you especially when you are not feeling your best.
It’s been with you through your toughest times, and it still hasn’t given up on you. Don’t you give up either.
In a society that obsesses about form (shape), we often take for granted our body’s real flex: function (use). That body of yours is “purpose goals.” Maintain it.
Your body is a beautiful place — filled with hills, valleys and mountains. And like all beautiful places, it should be explored, experienced and appreciated.
Confidence hypnotizes. No matter what you look like or have been through, if you are comfortable in your own skin, people will say, “I can’t put my finger on it. But there’s something about her.”
Loving yourself is a practice, a discipline that you develop over time. It’s not a destination.
Some of us are waiting for a lover to come along to embrace the parts of ourselves that we’ve discarded, neglected and judged. Well, unto that person comes along, remember this: Withholding love from any parts of yourself is a cruel punishment.
It’s hard to fully appreciate someone else loving every piece of our body when we haven’t had the experience of doing so ourselves. Make it easy on them by going through the process first.
You are the beauty standard. Whatever you look like, that’s the standard.
Everywhere you go, it goes. Your body is your best friend. And like best friends, you may fall out, but you’re still together.
Inside and out, you are a wonder to behold. You’re a state of the art, cutting edge design..whatever body you have.